THE TALE OF THE DIAMOND STUDDED PIE - PART 1

The Library World had seen nothing like this before... THIS – was quite definitely – a first!!!!!

All this happened well over six months ago, at time of writing – in late 2004. This was a while before the events of our previous adventures in Tenby and some time before a casserole attempted to destroy Brixton back in May. This rebellious incident didn't happen in Wales, nor London - but in the West Midlands. In Birmingham Central Library to be exact. At this particular time a high profile local history exhibition, aligned with the local museum was being held in the library and all sorts of old records, photos and artifacts had been brought together under one roof. Although things were much busier than normal, everything had gone fine until the day that a big group of middle aged tourists from Leicester had arrived. Having had a rather heavy liquid lunch they were rather more rowdy than most visitors to the exhibition. The effect of several jugs of wine, spirits, bottles of beer and liquor coffees was beginning to kick in and they were quite boisterous and loud as they circulated...

Now the main problem was that as well as the extra traffic caused by the exhibition, there were also many students there interested in the local history sources available. The signs on the wall clearly indicated that hush was expected here, but not everyone took notice. One of the cabinets boasted "The Mysteries of Sutton Park" and claimed to contain curious items of a potentially alien origin. Now this wasn’t as unlikely as you might think for The Park itself, near Sutton Coldfield, is probably the most ancient and mystical places in the Midlands. It is also home to all sorts of old-wives tales, folk legends and sightings of peculiar creatures who lurk in bushes or pop out of lakes. The cabinets were also supposed to contain dinosaur fossils, evidence of bizarre web-footed beasties, drawings of a ducking stool and details of an area used in Witch Trials as recently as 1982. There were also meteorite remains, not to mention items believed to have belonged to a family of Medieval cannibals, lead by a mysterious man known only as Dr Fellows. This display also included a solid gold chalice found at the site of reported human sacrifices in Aldridge shopping centre in the scorching summer of 1976…

Anyway - the Reference area was right by these displays and during the day I describe this coach party had swarmed through the hall and begun talking very loudly just exactly where they weren’t supposed to. “Shhhhh, please...” warned the Librarian in charge, a Mrs Suki Trendlebee who had worked in the Library for nearly 107 years by this point. (Or so she often claimed!) “This is a study area...” declared Suki, refusing to be defeated by the chattering huddle. This wasn't even a gang of teenagers but mature adults in macks and sensible shoes. “Excuse me!” she repeated. “We need you to be a quieter, please!” Suki persisted when they still all ignored her. “WILL YOU BE QUIET!? Can't you understand me? Are you demented? Do I need to get a translator? NOW, SHUT UP!!” she almost screamed at them.

Yet, this did no good and no one took any notice whatsoever. The visitors totally ignored her shhing.
Well, at least for a moment they did, slowly they all turned to face her. They each met her gaze with a gesture known to but a few – not by blowing raspberries, nor with fits of giggles… Instead they raised their index fingers to their lips and gave a large, loud “SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

“Goodness!” gasped Suki, as she realised what had been niggling her all this time. The shoes, the hair, the pastel colours, the bookish ladyfolk and conservative, tweedy gentlemen. “You're LIBRARIANS!”

“SHHH! SHHHH! SHHHHH! SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” they replied and merely by the powerful yet professional tone of their shush they confirmed that they were indeed, all professional librarians.

“Why! I'll be damned!” cried Suki furiously. “Whatever is wrong with you? Whatever do you think you're doing? Are you drunk?” They were, of course. “Oh my! You should all know better than this...”

“SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” The group were getting out of control but their team leaders who had encouraged them to over imbibe were nowhere to be found.

“I shall call security!” declared Suki, but soon wished she hadn't, for with a shhhh-ing roar the mob began to hurry towards her, knocking over chairs, tables and any number of quietly reading students. The shhhhh-ing rose and the whole room was full of angry, drunken information workers - who after years of keeping their voices down were finally realising how irritating it was to be shhhh-ed.

“THE BOOKWORMS HAVE TURNED!!” reported one newspaper the following day.

“THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHY!” read another, nonsensically.

“LIBRARIANS IN SORDID ORGY WITH RELICS!” lied a third, trying to spice things up a bit.

But in all the fuss - it probably took a good day and half to put everything back in it's place - and it was only then that the papers got their real headline of any true value;


SUTTON PARK GOLDEN CHALICE STOLEN DURING RIOT...

Thieves took advantage of the peculiar state of affairs in Birmingham Central Library recently, when visiting Librarians caused a riot. What was not immediately realised was that several items of value on display were stolen at this time, most notably the irreplaceable Sutton Park Chalice, on loan from the local museum. Police have been unable to identify the criminals, despite the presence of security cameras. “None of the librarians arrested after the riot had stolen the item - because they were all searched and made to wear embarrassing Police issue fancy dress during their time behind bars!” declared local Detective Inspector Edward Alexander. "We're baffled as to who was responsible for this heinous crime - but we intend to get our man, woman - or librarian within the next 48 hours!”

But they hadn't... In fact months after, on a train bound North, Shy Yeti had been reading a rather more in depth Sunday Gazette article on the matter, written after the leading officer on the case had been sacked for corruption. It was quite a story all in all and amusing to Shy in many ways. Back in his University days, Shy had studied the ancient art of librarianship, but on qualifying found that, mostly, Yeti’s never read books - before taking on his job with the actor, Simon Yeti. To be honest, it was as much the mention of Sutton Park that had caught his eye. Shy was aware of the Park's reputation - though only vaguely - but it had certainly caused him to read on...

“Ugly looking thing...” he muttered, referring either to the lady pushing the trolley of refreshments, a picture of the chalice or maybe both. “Candy, Candy, Candy – I can’t let you go…” he sung under his breath as he continued to read, whilst devouring a whole packet of Midget Gems in less than a minute, before moving on to a bumper pack of Topics, a box of Fruit Pastilles and some jelly snakes.

Shy was finding his journey a little dull and drawn out, en route, as he was, to the town of Matlock in the Peak District, where he was due to catch a taxi to his final destination. Having completed his mission in Tenby a few days before and having lost his sidekick, Baz Timbearcub, to the Welsh tourist trade – he’d decided to pay a visit on an old friend, Ceri Lane. Life on the road was fun enough, but he’d pretty soon forgotten the travellers life and gone and “Yeti-magicked” his train tickets. Ceri and Shy had met in Library school and had enjoyed a common interest in music and films. They’d drifted for a while whilst Ceri had single handedly attempted to revolutionalise the National Health Service for a bet, only to eventually admit defeat whereupon he’d gotten back in touch. It had been a strange few years – but now Ceri was enjoying being back at work and had recently begun dating a lovely lady named Becky, whom Shy greatly approved of, but had, so far, met just once. “You’ve not seen them in months…” he reassured himself. “They’ll be really pleased to see you – even unannounced!”

Originally, Shy had planned on turning up on the door of their beloved thatched home in Castleton to surprise them with a friendly “BOOOO!” The couple had bought the place recently, after a sudden windfall, leaving Leicester for a more peaceful way of life that seemed to suit them both very well.

“They’ll be really pleased to see me…” he told himself again, having already detected that his two friends were most likely off work on a few days leave. “There’s a definite off work vibe I’m getting!” Shy said aloud, having arrived at the Station and taken a taxi to visit a rather special chocolate shop in Matlock Bath. The chocolate was fantastic and he regularly ordered himself treats from their website. This was the first personal visit he’d made. “Perfect! Perfect!” he smiled on seeing his order proudly presented on the counter. “You’ve done a fine job…” They’d made him a Teddy Bears Picnic scene out of dark chocolate – with the central figure being that of his friend and mentor, time travelling former actor, Simon Yeti. “Marvellous – when I eat chocolate I like to think of Simon!” he explained.

Having picked up his chocolate, he spoilt himself further with a tasty cone of mandarin and squid ice cream, a bottle of fizzy pop and a quick game of shovehalfpenny, before jumping back into his taxi and heading on to Castleton. There was still another half an hour’s journey and having armed himself with luxury truffles and a bag of rhubarb and custard sweets especially for Becky, he settled back to read his favourite journal. Back in the days when he’d had a house, a life and a proper job he’d kept a large collection of magazines from all over the world – including the very first issue of the Spanish language digest “Los Osos Pegajosos” dating back to 1935, and probably worth a small fortune now. But all that had been lost to the “Great Wastepaper Basket In The Sky” when he’d been evicted.

Any scenic views were wasted on Shy as he lost himself deeply in something fluffy and enticing – but in the back of his mind he was still reassuring himself. “They’ll be really pleased to see you – honest”

“We’re here, mate…” called the taxi driver, pulling up in front of The George pub in Castleton and Shy hurriedly packed away his reading and made haste to prepare his entrance into village life.

“Thanks, fella!” Shy smiled and handed him the fare, hoping the driver wouldn’t notice that the tip was rather less than generous. The money Baz had paid him from Government expenses for all his help in Tenby hadn’t gone very far at all. “Bye now – and thank you!” he called again and waved.

Watching the taxi pull away he grabbed a handful of roadside wild flowers and headed for the cottage his Yeti intuition told him was the one where Ceri and Becky were currently residing. “Oi! Wrong house!” said a voice from the opposite side of the road. “So much for telepathy!” It was Ceri – looking fit and well, his red hair grown long, wearing a blue Kasabian t-shirt and a pair of baggy khaki shorts.

“Oh, sorry fella!” Shy apologised. “Didn’t mean to be a pain and I know we usually make plans in advance, but I was passing! I meant to phone – I hope my telepathy didn’t give you a headache, fella? It can be a tad brutal if you’re not used to it – I always forget when I try it out on non-Yeti’s…”

“You never used to be much up on what Yeti’s did and didn’t do!” said Ceri a tad coolly, as he helped Shy with his bags. “Why the change now? I mean you’ve always been the most un-Yetiest Yeti I ever knew… I know you’re the only Yeti I’ve ever met, but that’s not the point! What are you staring at?”

Shy was admiring his friend’s hair as Ceri led him up the pathway of “Mandrel Cottage”. “You’ve grown your fur long! I only just noticed. It really suits you!” Ceri laughed – but seemed flattered. “So, how’s Becky? Is she about? Listen, if this is inconvenient, then I’ll find myself a hotel! It’s just that there’s been a lot going on and I suppose I was hoping you could spare a friendly ear or two!”

Ceri seemed concerned, not cross. “Perhaps unexpected – but never unwelcome!” he said kindly. “We don’t have much planned for the next few days – just to relax!” he laughed as he saw the chocolate bag. “You appear to have brought the required gift for a stay in this household – so I reckon Becky’s going to be more than happy to see you!” By now they were on the door step. “Come on then…” he encouraged. “So, what’s the gossip? Should I be sitting down for this? What miracle are you about to perform? Don’t tell me – they want you to write the script for a Yeti biopic of Tony Hancock? You’ve finally found those missing episodes of Dr Who? You’re getting married – twice - to twin sisters…”

Shy grinned. “Now that would be a miracle!” he laughed. “Although my clairvoyant friend Fatima tells me I’m in for a rosey future with my love life, soon – so you never know! I’ve learned to expect the unexpected of late!” he added – and with that they vanished inside - just in time for tea…

*

“So when’s Becky back?” Shy asked again, as they cleared away the tea things an hour or so later.

“In a bit…” explained Ceri unhelpfully, as he handed wet dishes for Shy to dry. He’d seemed rather distracted for most of the meal and had kept checking his mobile for messages. “I’m sorry – I forgot to mention she was having a meeting tonight. I was meant to be going too - but I’m glad I got out of it!”

Shy nodded. He felt full and rather sleepy – it had been a long day all in all. “This is a work do, is it? A meeting though, not a social thing? Do they really expect you to go - even when you’re on leave?”

Ceri looked at him blankly. “What?” he seemed flustered and quite distracted.

“You were saying it was to do with work, this meeting… Isn’t it a bit harsh to expect you to attend when you’re on holiday? What if you’d been out of the country? It doesn’t really seem fair to me!”

Ceri looked a bit more with it all of a sudden. “Sorry Shy! Yes, it’s a work committee meeting thing… Becky didn’t have to go, she was doing a favour for a friend who’s usually the Chairman and has had to go into hospital… Listen… Sorry, I’m not with it today and I’m waiting for Bex to call actually – bit worried about her car at the moment… Do you want to go and settle in – take a bath or a shower or something whilst I call her? Then, if you’re in the mood we can watch a film together… Take the guest room at the front – not the box room or you’ll get the morning light waking you up, tomorrow!”

It sounded good to Shy and he agreed. “Okay fella. No problem. You sure you’re feeling ok, though?”

“I’ll be fine – fine… Take your time!” Shy headed upstairs, still feeling guilty incase his telepathy had caused Ceri to feel unwell. He’d only brought with him a few clothes that he’d bought in Tenby – but it was enough to require an empty drawer for socks and t-shirts. He’d not been concentrating when he’d bustled into the room to unpack and had quite forgotten what Ceri had said about which bedroom to take. It soon became evident that he had probably chosen the wrong one and that this was, infact the Box room. It was certainly cluttered with all sorts of bits and bobs – but Shy didn’t want to cause any fuss. Shy was about to check, when he heard Ceri’s voice on the phone to someone he presumed to be Becky. “I’ll see you soon! We’ll have to move some stuff tonight, I think – especially now he’s here! Don’t worry – I’ll sort it out! No, he’s ok – in the bath! I’ve put him in the spare room. It’ll be fine…”

Shy had forgotten about the shower, so hurried into the bathroom to start running the water. By the time he returned to the room to fetch a towel, all had gone quiet downstairs. “You’ve SO come at the wrong time, Shy!” he told himself. “They’re busy but too polite to say so! What were you thinking, just turning up like that. You’re going to have to move on, tomorrow! Find somewhere else to go…”

As he muttered away to himself and in search of his sponge, Shy absentmindedly opened the wrong cupboard and a box of newspapers fell out at him and scattered itself across the floor. Something else, which had been perched on top of the box also clattered to the floor and rolled under the bed. The box wasn’t broken but rather bizarrely had the words “THE DEVIL’S ARSE” scrawled on the lid in marker pen. Hurriedly, Shy began collecting up the newspapers; cuttings that seemed to concern various crime cases in both the UK and Europe in the past year or so. It was only when he reached under the bed that both his paws and his eyes rested on what he’d found and he begun to realise that something was odd.

“Oi Yeti!” Shy turned guiltily to find Ceri standing in the doorway. “I said the Spare room - not the box room! I should have known better – you always were hopeless remembering stuff!” Shy blushed. “I didn’t really want you coming in here – but it’s rather too late now! Do you recognise what it is you’ve found?” he asked, indicating the trinket that the Yeti had so recently retrieved from the floor.

Shy gulped, wondering if he could somehow make a quick exit out of the window. “I saw it in a newspaper this morning, as it happens…” he confirmed, “It’s much shinier in real life, isn’t it…”

Ceri took it from him and held it to the light. “Yes, it is rather…” he agreed. “This is the Chalice of Sutton Park. We stole it from Birmingham Central Library a while back… It’s part of our collection!”

“Going somewhere Shy?” a sudden voice in his ear made the Yeti jump, in the process of edging towards the window. It was Becky, of course and she was blocking the way out, perched on the window sill two floors up. “How are you?”she grinned. “Seems you’ve just learnt our guilty secret…”

Ceri nodded reluctantly. “Which means we’re going to need to have a really serious conversation about a number of things!” he sounded deadly serious. “This changes things, mate! You understand?”

Shy did – he had walked headfirst into trouble this time. But, just how was he going to get out of it?

WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT? HOW WILL SHY COPE WITH FINDING OUT THAT HIS FRIEND'S ARE INFACT BIG TIME CRIMINALS??? HOW WILL THEY DEAL WITH HIM... *GULP!*

NEXT WEEK'S EPISODE WILL HOPEFULLY BE AVAILABLE THE SAME TIME NEXT WEEK - ALTHOUGH I'M OFF TO AMSTERDAM FOR MY BIRTHDAY SO IT'LL EITHER BE UP ON THE 9TH OR THE 14TH NOVEMBER!!!! ENJOY!!