THE TALE OF THE DIAMOND STUDDED PIE - PART 3

Next morning, Shy got to sit back and enjoy the ride, next day, as they set off. Ceri had lent Shy some disks and told him to sit quietly and watch them on his portable dvd. “I’ve packed all our British 1930s crime movies and my boxset of Raffles which we used as our inspiration when we first met. Just to top it off there’s an episode of The Goodies with Joan Sims called “Come Dancing” which you might enjoy! The suits are good – 1940s style, but don’t get any funny ideas! We won’t be dressed like that!”

Shy said nothing – he’d been scoffing the chocolate from Matlock Bath and now felt sick. He had his own ideas for what he wanted to wear – but decided to keep quiet for now. Ceri’s mention of Joan Sims reminded him of when he and Simon had been chased off the set of Carry On Taxidermist, after Simon had accidentally eaten all the food that had been set up for the cast’s lunch, for his mid-morning snack. Joan Sims had been particularly cross and had refused to take Simon’s calls after that. (Kenneth Williams, however, had found it all rather hilarious!) Anyway, Shy said nothing. They’d sat up so late the night before making plans that he now felt quite exhausted. The plans were as follows:

Main Item to be stolen:

THE DIAMOND STUDDED PIE (AND DECORATIVE PIELETS)

Location:

The Pavillion, Brighton.

Reason:

These pies originally belonged in the Yeti family but were stolen, in 1905 by Harrison Fulton who was Mayor of Brighton and a nemesis of Shy’s Grandfather, Walt. Fulton was very anti-Yeti and declared the City a NO FUR ZONE. However, he had always admired the Yeti’s pies – which originated from 12th Century Old Sarum and agreed to allow Shy’s family peaceful co-existence, if they handed them over. Sadly, when Walt did so Fulton went back on his agreement once the goods had been secured. Later, when the law was revoked Shy’s family had no proof that the pies had ever belonged to them.

Plan:

Arrive in Brighton. Stay in B&B over night. Do recce of Pavillion following day – Shy remain inside after closure of museum, later disable alarm so that Ceri and Becky can break in. (Ceri and Becky also have items in mind to steal, pillaged by the former Mayor – but they will also try and help Shy…)

It was a good plan. And with Shy’s skills there was no reason anything should go wrong. Stopping in a service station just outside Brighton, whilst tucking into an All Day Breakfast he attempted to get into his new role, but was still a little unsure as to what type of criminal he was meant to be, having seen so many films over the last 24 hours. (The night before he’d even watched The Godfather on fast forward but had gotten scared by the odd facial hair and occasional random murder on display.) “So how did you two get to realising you were both into stealing stuff, then?” Shy wanted to know more about their criminal lives, as he knocked back his fifth cup of coffee. “Was it before you got together or after…”
“Before we met…” they replied, almost in unison and then Ceri added. “Though not by much! But what’s so good is that now we’re together we compliment one another. Becky’s primarily a cat burglar with limited cracksman capabilities, whilst that’s exactly my strength! We’re really a perfect match!”

“Please, spare me any comments about stealing each others hearts or I might just be sick!” Shy sighed.

Becky glared, but said nothing. Ceri was more patient. “You see, I’d been put in charge of finding out who had been stealing pens, rulers and post it notes from our Library. It was becoming quite an issue!”

“That was me!” cut in Becky. “I melted them down to make splints for injured budgies! As for Ceri, well, it wasn’t long before I cottoned on that he was conning students out of their cannabis plants!”

Shy smiled. “I suppose you simply wanted to appreciate the plants for what they were – saving your students from mindless addiction and from spending all their grant money on drugs…”

“No!” laughed Ceri. “We smoked it and gave it to our friends – but we used the plant pots to rehouse love sick guinea pigs and set them up in a community free from sarcasm… It’s a very good cause!”

Shy grinned, unsure whether to believe them. “So you became suspicious of one another - and then?”

“Then when we started dating and went away together for our first romantic weekend, we both clashed when it came to stealing the towels and the soap and the dressing gowns - and then it clicked that we were really on the same wavelength and after that there was no stopping us!” continued Becky. “We started competing to steal for each other – each time stealing a gift more lavish or outrageous…”

“But it had to stop…” explained Ceri. “One day I stole the whole of the contents of London Zoo and Bex had bagged me Nelson’s Column and Marble Arch… There was just no room to store it all…”

“Right.” nodded Shy, expecting one of them to giggle or give themselves away – but neither did.

“It was getting silly…” Becky continued. “People were noticing that these things were missing and yes, there were storage issues - so we had to rethink… So, we decided to team up and only steal from people who either deserved it, owned stolen goods or who stole themselves! Like this Harrison Fulton guy we were reading up about last night – the one who stole your family pies – he was a really nasty piece of work and it’s about time we redistributed his wealth – even if it is 100 years after the event!”

Shy had noticed that one of the cashier girls, a goth with spikey green hair whose name was Kim, was cleaning tables but was also trying to listen in. Shy downed a final mug of coffee and with a quick nod they ambled back to the car. “So, were you up to this the whole time we were at Uni then, fella?”

“No, not at all…” explained Ceri. “It was after I was in hospital, about 3 years back, now. I’d had a past life regression to see if that would help my problems and it turned out that in a former life I had been a notorious lesbian gangster, the Black Country ration book robber known as Fingers L’Clapp. Pruella L’Clapp had terrorised the area with her band of shop girls back in the late 1940s. It was fascinating researching it all, you know. Pru used to give most of the food she stole to cats who’d been separated from their owners and she’d died from unspecified tin opener wounds in about 1953. A bit of an Anti-hero apparently! So, she was my real inspiration to be honest and with the possibility that I was her reincarnation I nicknamed myself Fingers and begun to live a life of crime in my spare time!”

“Okay…” Shy was still waiting for them to laugh. “You’re telling me the truth, right – like really…”

“Oh yes!” exclaimed Becky as Ceri drove. “I was known as Madame Becky, Queen of the Underworld and had been well taught by a family friend who robbed rich families on Christmas Eve dressed as Santa. Anyway, I was quite well regarded until the day SNEAKTHIEF MONTHLY decided to print an interview with me. They only went and miss-spelt my alias as Becky, Queen of the Underwear and you guessed it - the name stuck! I was a laughing stock! No one took me seriously after that! I’d semi-retired by the time I met Ceri – resorting to an occasional raid of the stationery cupboard at work!

Shy was a little short of patience now. “You’ve having me on! Most of all this just sounds ludicrous!”

“Not feeling telepathic today?” Becky teased. Ceri winced. “Believe what you like, Shy! I don’t care!”

Shy snapped shut the portable Dvd. “Oh whatever!” he sighed. “Tell me lies – tell me sweet little lies – I’m too tired to work you out now – I want to conserve my energy for later!” Even Ceri laughed this time, but something wasn’t right. Shy was completely exhausted, but as they drove on he said nothing.

*
Once in Brighton they checked into The Grande Hotel, just off Regency Square and made a quick recce of the outside of the Pavillions, before dusk. Everything was spot on and the opening and closing times, exit points and staff movements were as expected. “I’m really rather looking forward to this…” Shy grinned as they took a pleasant table outside at the Regency Restaurant, across the road from the abandoned West Pier. “The hotel’s very nice too – but I never thought we’d get out of there, earlier…” exclaimed Shy, once they had ordered. “When I was waiting for you two in reception, this fat old guy kept chatting to me – I think he was looking for a holiday buddy or something – he seemed lonely…”

“You can’t risk getting to know anyone around here, Shy!” Ceri warned him. “We’re in for one night and gone as soon as we’re done! We need to be as anonymous as possible, so nobody remembers us!”

“Of course! I realize that and that’s why I see now that you were right about dressing up discreetly and why I’ve decided that you’re also in the right about the dark suits as opposed to what I had in mind!”

Becky shot Ceri a look. “What’s all this about?” she enquired dubiously - almost half reluctant to ask.

“It’s okay…” Ceri reassured her. “Shy took some polaroids of a few outfits he fancied trying…” he nodded to the Yeti to hand them over as they waited for their meals. “Don’t worry – he won’t be wearing any of these now… We had a little chat back at the hotel and we’re sorted… Are you ok?”

Becky was open mouthed. “Shy… You didn’t really… I mean… Are these fish nets? You’d never have gotten away with that? And the bright pink nuns outfit! I mean – you were joking, right? In this one you’re just wearing one very large pair of flares – so large you can barely see your face!”

“The ultimate disguise therefore! I just thought it’d be nice to be original – to make a statement – to have my own style or costume like Super heroes do!” Shy replied guiltily. “These were all things Simon had lost in storage – I always fancied trying them on and I rather thought now was the time…”

“If you were going to become a catwalk model it might have been the look…” Becky told him. “But as it is you’re preparing to break into a building after closing time… Lime green hot pants and nipple tassels is hardly practical for that sort of thing. This is burglary sweetheart – not Top of the Pops…”

Shy nodded. “I realise that now! I’m sorry you saw them – please don’t let it put you off your dinner!”

“HOLIDAY SNAPS?” cried a voice suddenly and out of nowhere a rather large gentleman in lycra had planted himself down in the spare chair on their table. “Mind if I have a seat, Benny old boy? I was just passing by – on my way to the cinema but I just couldn’t resist coming over to say howdo…”

Shy tucked the photos hurriedly into his fur and blushing continued. “Bjorn – Agnetha… This is Alexander Something-or-other from our hotel. He’s here for the World Tiddlywinks Championship!”

Alexander grinned and adjusted his tanktop. He had a rather uncomfortable look on his face. “Poor Benny was telling me about how his wife is here for the Sea Spas! How is Annie? Is she any better?” Shy nodded embarrassedly. “Is she sleeping? It must be nice for her to have her Doctors here 24-7!”

“I was – err – saying that I’d paid for the best Swedish surgeons to help my – err wife…” croaked Shy. “I really ought to go and see if she’s okay in a minute actually, Alexander… I hope your film’s good!”

“I’m sure it will be… It’s about Herring…” said Alex and then suddenly blurted out. “It’s a crime…”

“What do you mean?” Ceri and Becky stopped staring angrily at Shy and turned to face Alex instead.

“It’s a crime that this sort of thing can’t be cured on the NHS! Leprosy is so painful – my poor darling grandmama nearly caught that from years as a School dinner lady! Who’d have thought it would happen after Eurovision – the irony of life, my dears…” he was up from his seat. “Good on you for paying for expert help, Benny – though I’m surprised you had to sell your body to make the money! See you later – nice to meet you – love to Annie!” By now all the diners were staring at them.

“I said I was a magistrate – not a prostitute…” muttered Shy, before he met with the gazes of his friends. “I’m sorry – I just thought I’d better make up a cover story – I said I had an ill wife and that you were her medics… What could be simpler… Perhaps I should have just said we were on holiday!”

“Maybe…” snapped Bex. “But he seems to think we’re ABBA and that one of us has caught leprosy!”

“Rare Norwegian leprosy…” Shy corrected him. “It’s not as serious as real leprosy – it only makes your nose and your ears drop off – I told him it’s the same as what Michael Jackson used to have…”

Becky was shaking with rage – so Ceri spoke for them both. “What did you think you were playing at, Shy? How come he thinks we’re ABBA? You only had five minutes with the guy – you managed to say so much! I’m sorry Shy – that’s it – we’re going home! Neither of us are willing to risk going to the Pavillions now…” Ceri lowered his voice. “Everything is ruined – we should have known better than to mix Yeti’s and crime – we were mad! Most of Brighton has heard that man talking about us…”

“I’m sorry…” apologised Shy. “But it’s not as if any of it were true… I mean – as long as the original members of ABBA don’t find out that we’ve been posing as them to disguise our true identities… I suppose it could happen – but well… Listen – I really didn’t mean to spoil anything – the guy’s an idiot – he’s only interested in Tiddlywinks – not how many diamond studded pies I intend to steal…”

Becky had stopped shaking now and seemed thoughtful instead. “He looked familiar…” she said suddenly. “I think there’s more to it than he’s idiotic persona – it was an act – he’s a clever one!”

Ceri looked confused. “An act? What do you mean he looked familiar…” he demanded incredulously.

“She’s right too!” agreed Shy, recovering a little. “I was suspicious from the moment I spoke to him!”

Becky looked dubious. “He was in Castleton yesterday, he was with that builder that Shy kissed – the one who didn’t speak! He was in disguise today! They’ve been following us - they’re Police, hon!”

“I think so too…” agreed Shy. “I rather reckon that they’re after you two…”

“Then we’re definitely going home…” decided Ceri. “This is a nightmare.”

Shy laid a paw on both their arms. “Not at all! This just makes it even more of a challenge – we’re more than a match for them! They may be Police – but I don’t reckon they’ve got a brain cell between them! We can still do this! Get away with it and leave them with egg on their faces! Are you still in?”

Ceri and Becky looked unsure – but then they nodded. “Ok!” they replied. “On your fur be it though!”

Meanwhile, closeby Edward Alexander was squeezing himself awkwardly into a small van which had once been used for the sale of icecream. “Bloody fat suit! I want to take it off, but I can’t find the zip!”

“Let me have a look…” said his Assistant, former WPC Kim Travers – a lady, who Shy, Becky or Ceri would most probably have recognised as the nosey goth from the service station. Kim had recently lost her job after being caught Sellotaping her bosses to the ceiling after a disagreement over sexist remarks, made by her I might add. “Did you get anything?” she asked slightly lethargically.

Edward Alexander shook his head crossly. “They’re maintaining that they’re Swedish or something – but it’s definitely them… This time we’re going to get them Kim – this time we’ll catch them…”

Ex-WPC Travers looked uncertain. “Can’t we call the real Police for some help? For back up?”

“After what they did to me, Kim! No way – I’m freelance now! Solving this could mean claiming a reward off all the people those two have stolen from – or if we can locate their stash we could sell it and retire. I’ve vowed for the last six months that I’d nail them. Ever since they stole the Sutton Park Chalice and got away with it! I lost my job because they said I bungled the case – well, in a way I did… I tried to frame them last time and it all back fired on me… I need more evidence…”

“So this is just one of their many crimes…” confirmed Kim. “You want to catch them red handed?”

“Exactly! No matter if they’ve got help this time from their friend in the bear suit, but that’s not going to stop us! This time we’re on my home ground – there’s only one reason they’re here! They’ll be after something from the Pavillion – they were hanging around there earlier. As it happens, most of what’s in there used to belong to my Great Grandfather, Harrison Fulton. I’m going to make sure that none of it leaves this town! They’ve walked into our trap, Kim and they’re going to get their just desserts! They could even end up dead! This is a dangerous business to be in! We both know that!”

Kim nodded. “I suppose so – in extreme circumstances if a gun’s involved! I suppose it can happen…”

Ed Alexander grinned. “Oh yes… “ he replied greedily. “You can be pretty sure of that, my dear…”

WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT??? HAVE SHY, CERI AND BECKY MET THERE MATCH?

APOLOGIES READERS FOR NO POST LAST FRIDAY - THIS WAS DUE TO SHY YETI GET HIS FUR IN A TANGLE AFTER A BIT OF AN ACCIDENT WITH A HOOVER. (OKAY! THE TRAINS WERE LATE - I GOT INTO WORK LATE - THERE WASN'T TIME!!) THAT SAID - I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT THE 4TH EXCITING PART OF THIS ADVENTURE WILL BE UP NEXT FRIDAY: 2ND DECEMBER 2005.

TAKE CARE 'TIL THEN!