THE TALE OF THE DIAMOND STUDDED PIE - PART 3

Next morning, Shy got to sit back and enjoy the ride, next day, as they set off. Ceri had lent Shy some disks and told him to sit quietly and watch them on his portable dvd. “I’ve packed all our British 1930s crime movies and my boxset of Raffles which we used as our inspiration when we first met. Just to top it off there’s an episode of The Goodies with Joan Sims called “Come Dancing” which you might enjoy! The suits are good – 1940s style, but don’t get any funny ideas! We won’t be dressed like that!”

Shy said nothing – he’d been scoffing the chocolate from Matlock Bath and now felt sick. He had his own ideas for what he wanted to wear – but decided to keep quiet for now. Ceri’s mention of Joan Sims reminded him of when he and Simon had been chased off the set of Carry On Taxidermist, after Simon had accidentally eaten all the food that had been set up for the cast’s lunch, for his mid-morning snack. Joan Sims had been particularly cross and had refused to take Simon’s calls after that. (Kenneth Williams, however, had found it all rather hilarious!) Anyway, Shy said nothing. They’d sat up so late the night before making plans that he now felt quite exhausted. The plans were as follows:

Main Item to be stolen:

THE DIAMOND STUDDED PIE (AND DECORATIVE PIELETS)

Location:

The Pavillion, Brighton.

Reason:

These pies originally belonged in the Yeti family but were stolen, in 1905 by Harrison Fulton who was Mayor of Brighton and a nemesis of Shy’s Grandfather, Walt. Fulton was very anti-Yeti and declared the City a NO FUR ZONE. However, he had always admired the Yeti’s pies – which originated from 12th Century Old Sarum and agreed to allow Shy’s family peaceful co-existence, if they handed them over. Sadly, when Walt did so Fulton went back on his agreement once the goods had been secured. Later, when the law was revoked Shy’s family had no proof that the pies had ever belonged to them.

Plan:

Arrive in Brighton. Stay in B&B over night. Do recce of Pavillion following day – Shy remain inside after closure of museum, later disable alarm so that Ceri and Becky can break in. (Ceri and Becky also have items in mind to steal, pillaged by the former Mayor – but they will also try and help Shy…)

It was a good plan. And with Shy’s skills there was no reason anything should go wrong. Stopping in a service station just outside Brighton, whilst tucking into an All Day Breakfast he attempted to get into his new role, but was still a little unsure as to what type of criminal he was meant to be, having seen so many films over the last 24 hours. (The night before he’d even watched The Godfather on fast forward but had gotten scared by the odd facial hair and occasional random murder on display.) “So how did you two get to realising you were both into stealing stuff, then?” Shy wanted to know more about their criminal lives, as he knocked back his fifth cup of coffee. “Was it before you got together or after…”
“Before we met…” they replied, almost in unison and then Ceri added. “Though not by much! But what’s so good is that now we’re together we compliment one another. Becky’s primarily a cat burglar with limited cracksman capabilities, whilst that’s exactly my strength! We’re really a perfect match!”

“Please, spare me any comments about stealing each others hearts or I might just be sick!” Shy sighed.

Becky glared, but said nothing. Ceri was more patient. “You see, I’d been put in charge of finding out who had been stealing pens, rulers and post it notes from our Library. It was becoming quite an issue!”

“That was me!” cut in Becky. “I melted them down to make splints for injured budgies! As for Ceri, well, it wasn’t long before I cottoned on that he was conning students out of their cannabis plants!”

Shy smiled. “I suppose you simply wanted to appreciate the plants for what they were – saving your students from mindless addiction and from spending all their grant money on drugs…”

“No!” laughed Ceri. “We smoked it and gave it to our friends – but we used the plant pots to rehouse love sick guinea pigs and set them up in a community free from sarcasm… It’s a very good cause!”

Shy grinned, unsure whether to believe them. “So you became suspicious of one another - and then?”

“Then when we started dating and went away together for our first romantic weekend, we both clashed when it came to stealing the towels and the soap and the dressing gowns - and then it clicked that we were really on the same wavelength and after that there was no stopping us!” continued Becky. “We started competing to steal for each other – each time stealing a gift more lavish or outrageous…”

“But it had to stop…” explained Ceri. “One day I stole the whole of the contents of London Zoo and Bex had bagged me Nelson’s Column and Marble Arch… There was just no room to store it all…”

“Right.” nodded Shy, expecting one of them to giggle or give themselves away – but neither did.

“It was getting silly…” Becky continued. “People were noticing that these things were missing and yes, there were storage issues - so we had to rethink… So, we decided to team up and only steal from people who either deserved it, owned stolen goods or who stole themselves! Like this Harrison Fulton guy we were reading up about last night – the one who stole your family pies – he was a really nasty piece of work and it’s about time we redistributed his wealth – even if it is 100 years after the event!”

Shy had noticed that one of the cashier girls, a goth with spikey green hair whose name was Kim, was cleaning tables but was also trying to listen in. Shy downed a final mug of coffee and with a quick nod they ambled back to the car. “So, were you up to this the whole time we were at Uni then, fella?”

“No, not at all…” explained Ceri. “It was after I was in hospital, about 3 years back, now. I’d had a past life regression to see if that would help my problems and it turned out that in a former life I had been a notorious lesbian gangster, the Black Country ration book robber known as Fingers L’Clapp. Pruella L’Clapp had terrorised the area with her band of shop girls back in the late 1940s. It was fascinating researching it all, you know. Pru used to give most of the food she stole to cats who’d been separated from their owners and she’d died from unspecified tin opener wounds in about 1953. A bit of an Anti-hero apparently! So, she was my real inspiration to be honest and with the possibility that I was her reincarnation I nicknamed myself Fingers and begun to live a life of crime in my spare time!”

“Okay…” Shy was still waiting for them to laugh. “You’re telling me the truth, right – like really…”

“Oh yes!” exclaimed Becky as Ceri drove. “I was known as Madame Becky, Queen of the Underworld and had been well taught by a family friend who robbed rich families on Christmas Eve dressed as Santa. Anyway, I was quite well regarded until the day SNEAKTHIEF MONTHLY decided to print an interview with me. They only went and miss-spelt my alias as Becky, Queen of the Underwear and you guessed it - the name stuck! I was a laughing stock! No one took me seriously after that! I’d semi-retired by the time I met Ceri – resorting to an occasional raid of the stationery cupboard at work!

Shy was a little short of patience now. “You’ve having me on! Most of all this just sounds ludicrous!”

“Not feeling telepathic today?” Becky teased. Ceri winced. “Believe what you like, Shy! I don’t care!”

Shy snapped shut the portable Dvd. “Oh whatever!” he sighed. “Tell me lies – tell me sweet little lies – I’m too tired to work you out now – I want to conserve my energy for later!” Even Ceri laughed this time, but something wasn’t right. Shy was completely exhausted, but as they drove on he said nothing.

*
Once in Brighton they checked into The Grande Hotel, just off Regency Square and made a quick recce of the outside of the Pavillions, before dusk. Everything was spot on and the opening and closing times, exit points and staff movements were as expected. “I’m really rather looking forward to this…” Shy grinned as they took a pleasant table outside at the Regency Restaurant, across the road from the abandoned West Pier. “The hotel’s very nice too – but I never thought we’d get out of there, earlier…” exclaimed Shy, once they had ordered. “When I was waiting for you two in reception, this fat old guy kept chatting to me – I think he was looking for a holiday buddy or something – he seemed lonely…”

“You can’t risk getting to know anyone around here, Shy!” Ceri warned him. “We’re in for one night and gone as soon as we’re done! We need to be as anonymous as possible, so nobody remembers us!”

“Of course! I realize that and that’s why I see now that you were right about dressing up discreetly and why I’ve decided that you’re also in the right about the dark suits as opposed to what I had in mind!”

Becky shot Ceri a look. “What’s all this about?” she enquired dubiously - almost half reluctant to ask.

“It’s okay…” Ceri reassured her. “Shy took some polaroids of a few outfits he fancied trying…” he nodded to the Yeti to hand them over as they waited for their meals. “Don’t worry – he won’t be wearing any of these now… We had a little chat back at the hotel and we’re sorted… Are you ok?”

Becky was open mouthed. “Shy… You didn’t really… I mean… Are these fish nets? You’d never have gotten away with that? And the bright pink nuns outfit! I mean – you were joking, right? In this one you’re just wearing one very large pair of flares – so large you can barely see your face!”

“The ultimate disguise therefore! I just thought it’d be nice to be original – to make a statement – to have my own style or costume like Super heroes do!” Shy replied guiltily. “These were all things Simon had lost in storage – I always fancied trying them on and I rather thought now was the time…”

“If you were going to become a catwalk model it might have been the look…” Becky told him. “But as it is you’re preparing to break into a building after closing time… Lime green hot pants and nipple tassels is hardly practical for that sort of thing. This is burglary sweetheart – not Top of the Pops…”

Shy nodded. “I realise that now! I’m sorry you saw them – please don’t let it put you off your dinner!”

“HOLIDAY SNAPS?” cried a voice suddenly and out of nowhere a rather large gentleman in lycra had planted himself down in the spare chair on their table. “Mind if I have a seat, Benny old boy? I was just passing by – on my way to the cinema but I just couldn’t resist coming over to say howdo…”

Shy tucked the photos hurriedly into his fur and blushing continued. “Bjorn – Agnetha… This is Alexander Something-or-other from our hotel. He’s here for the World Tiddlywinks Championship!”

Alexander grinned and adjusted his tanktop. He had a rather uncomfortable look on his face. “Poor Benny was telling me about how his wife is here for the Sea Spas! How is Annie? Is she any better?” Shy nodded embarrassedly. “Is she sleeping? It must be nice for her to have her Doctors here 24-7!”

“I was – err – saying that I’d paid for the best Swedish surgeons to help my – err wife…” croaked Shy. “I really ought to go and see if she’s okay in a minute actually, Alexander… I hope your film’s good!”

“I’m sure it will be… It’s about Herring…” said Alex and then suddenly blurted out. “It’s a crime…”

“What do you mean?” Ceri and Becky stopped staring angrily at Shy and turned to face Alex instead.

“It’s a crime that this sort of thing can’t be cured on the NHS! Leprosy is so painful – my poor darling grandmama nearly caught that from years as a School dinner lady! Who’d have thought it would happen after Eurovision – the irony of life, my dears…” he was up from his seat. “Good on you for paying for expert help, Benny – though I’m surprised you had to sell your body to make the money! See you later – nice to meet you – love to Annie!” By now all the diners were staring at them.

“I said I was a magistrate – not a prostitute…” muttered Shy, before he met with the gazes of his friends. “I’m sorry – I just thought I’d better make up a cover story – I said I had an ill wife and that you were her medics… What could be simpler… Perhaps I should have just said we were on holiday!”

“Maybe…” snapped Bex. “But he seems to think we’re ABBA and that one of us has caught leprosy!”

“Rare Norwegian leprosy…” Shy corrected him. “It’s not as serious as real leprosy – it only makes your nose and your ears drop off – I told him it’s the same as what Michael Jackson used to have…”

Becky was shaking with rage – so Ceri spoke for them both. “What did you think you were playing at, Shy? How come he thinks we’re ABBA? You only had five minutes with the guy – you managed to say so much! I’m sorry Shy – that’s it – we’re going home! Neither of us are willing to risk going to the Pavillions now…” Ceri lowered his voice. “Everything is ruined – we should have known better than to mix Yeti’s and crime – we were mad! Most of Brighton has heard that man talking about us…”

“I’m sorry…” apologised Shy. “But it’s not as if any of it were true… I mean – as long as the original members of ABBA don’t find out that we’ve been posing as them to disguise our true identities… I suppose it could happen – but well… Listen – I really didn’t mean to spoil anything – the guy’s an idiot – he’s only interested in Tiddlywinks – not how many diamond studded pies I intend to steal…”

Becky had stopped shaking now and seemed thoughtful instead. “He looked familiar…” she said suddenly. “I think there’s more to it than he’s idiotic persona – it was an act – he’s a clever one!”

Ceri looked confused. “An act? What do you mean he looked familiar…” he demanded incredulously.

“She’s right too!” agreed Shy, recovering a little. “I was suspicious from the moment I spoke to him!”

Becky looked dubious. “He was in Castleton yesterday, he was with that builder that Shy kissed – the one who didn’t speak! He was in disguise today! They’ve been following us - they’re Police, hon!”

“I think so too…” agreed Shy. “I rather reckon that they’re after you two…”

“Then we’re definitely going home…” decided Ceri. “This is a nightmare.”

Shy laid a paw on both their arms. “Not at all! This just makes it even more of a challenge – we’re more than a match for them! They may be Police – but I don’t reckon they’ve got a brain cell between them! We can still do this! Get away with it and leave them with egg on their faces! Are you still in?”

Ceri and Becky looked unsure – but then they nodded. “Ok!” they replied. “On your fur be it though!”

Meanwhile, closeby Edward Alexander was squeezing himself awkwardly into a small van which had once been used for the sale of icecream. “Bloody fat suit! I want to take it off, but I can’t find the zip!”

“Let me have a look…” said his Assistant, former WPC Kim Travers – a lady, who Shy, Becky or Ceri would most probably have recognised as the nosey goth from the service station. Kim had recently lost her job after being caught Sellotaping her bosses to the ceiling after a disagreement over sexist remarks, made by her I might add. “Did you get anything?” she asked slightly lethargically.

Edward Alexander shook his head crossly. “They’re maintaining that they’re Swedish or something – but it’s definitely them… This time we’re going to get them Kim – this time we’ll catch them…”

Ex-WPC Travers looked uncertain. “Can’t we call the real Police for some help? For back up?”

“After what they did to me, Kim! No way – I’m freelance now! Solving this could mean claiming a reward off all the people those two have stolen from – or if we can locate their stash we could sell it and retire. I’ve vowed for the last six months that I’d nail them. Ever since they stole the Sutton Park Chalice and got away with it! I lost my job because they said I bungled the case – well, in a way I did… I tried to frame them last time and it all back fired on me… I need more evidence…”

“So this is just one of their many crimes…” confirmed Kim. “You want to catch them red handed?”

“Exactly! No matter if they’ve got help this time from their friend in the bear suit, but that’s not going to stop us! This time we’re on my home ground – there’s only one reason they’re here! They’ll be after something from the Pavillion – they were hanging around there earlier. As it happens, most of what’s in there used to belong to my Great Grandfather, Harrison Fulton. I’m going to make sure that none of it leaves this town! They’ve walked into our trap, Kim and they’re going to get their just desserts! They could even end up dead! This is a dangerous business to be in! We both know that!”

Kim nodded. “I suppose so – in extreme circumstances if a gun’s involved! I suppose it can happen…”

Ed Alexander grinned. “Oh yes… “ he replied greedily. “You can be pretty sure of that, my dear…”

WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT??? HAVE SHY, CERI AND BECKY MET THERE MATCH?

APOLOGIES READERS FOR NO POST LAST FRIDAY - THIS WAS DUE TO SHY YETI GET HIS FUR IN A TANGLE AFTER A BIT OF AN ACCIDENT WITH A HOOVER. (OKAY! THE TRAINS WERE LATE - I GOT INTO WORK LATE - THERE WASN'T TIME!!) THAT SAID - I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT THE 4TH EXCITING PART OF THIS ADVENTURE WILL BE UP NEXT FRIDAY: 2ND DECEMBER 2005.

TAKE CARE 'TIL THEN!

APOLOGIES

DUE TO A PROBLEM WITH SHY YETI'S FUR - PART 3 OF THE TALE OF THE DIAMOND STUDDED PIE WAS NOT PUBLISHED LAST FRIDAY...

THE GOOD NEWS IS: SHY YETI RETURNS THIS WEEK!!!

COMING SOON... PART 3: FRIDAY 25TH NOVEMBER 2005!!!

xx

THE TALE OF THE DIAMOND STUDDED PIE - PART 2

“Oh my God!” grinned Shy suddenly, after a moment’s consideration. “Are you telling me that you’re some kind of super-thieves? That you steal stuff? Real stuff and everything! Like actual criminals!”

Becky swung in through the window. “That’s about the extent of it! But I assure you, it’s no game!”

“I do apologise!” corrected Shy. “So, you’re Bonnie and Clyde only no-one’s made a film about you?”

“Yet!” replied Ceri crisply and with a wide Cheshire Cat smile. “Anyway we see each other more like two 1930s Raffles types. Theft as a hobby from those who deserve it, as a sort of eccentric pastime!”

“Yes, that figures! It’s a good look too, if you can pull it off – which, I may add, I’m sure you do!” Shy shook his fur in disbelief. It wasn’t that he disapproved, but had been taken by surprise. “By all the furry saints, you’re quite something, guys! I’m fascinated! Who’d have thought it of librarians!!”

“So, why the sudden interest?” Becky hadn’t taken so well to his former comment – now she was fully into the room she seemed intent on moving Shy as far from the boxes and the trinkets, as possible.

“It’s hardly a SUDDEN interest!” corrected Shy. “I’ve only just found out about it – it’s a new interest – a sort of growing excitement that you and one of my oldest friends have an exciting secret life!”

“Yeah… Well, you won’t get a chance to spoil it either, Yeti. They’ll be no calling the Police!”

Now Shy was quite offended and let it show. “BECKY!!! How could you say such a thing? Who sort of grass do you take me for? So, you live your lives like Cary Grant and Grace Kelly in To Catch A Thief? That doesn’t mean that I’m some sort of dull, down to earth bore who’ll disapprove and try to turn you in! My head would sue my brain before I tried a stunt like that! I envy you! I know we’ve not met many times, Bex – but surely Ceri’s told you what I’m like? Come on mate, surely – don’t just stand there – back me up – tell her! I’m on the verge of being mortally wounded here! Me? Call the rozzers? I wouldn’t even consider it and you should jolly well take back your accusation before I cry!”

Becky was blushing – infact they all were – it had been a rather embarrassing performance on Shy’s part, to be honest. All the same she genuinely seemed sorry to have misjudged him. “I didn’t mean it, Shy – I got carried away – I never meant it like that – I just totally jumped to the wrong conclusion!”

Ceri stepped in to try and mediate further. “It’s okay darling – he understands! But, Shy - you can see why Bex might have thought you’d try and get the Police involved… Or at least be initially concerned about it! He wouldn’t though, Bex - he’s not that sort of Yeti! Anyway, he’s a friend from way back!”

Becky was blushing. “I’m really sorry, Shy! You have to be SO careful! I had my crime head on – I overreacted!” She paused as if to see if she needed to say more. “Can I stop groveling now, please?”

Shy grinned his usual furry grin. “Quite understand!” he confirmed. “You’re completely forgiven!”

“Shall we just forget you ever saw anything, Shy…” Ceri asked reluctantly. “Leave it at that…”

“Oh no!” interrupted the Yeti suddenly. “We mustn’t do that! No! I’m interested – really I am! I want to see your stash! Come on – tell me everything – how much have you got hidden away here in all!?”
“It’s not just in here, actually!” admitted Ceri, pleased and relieved that his friend was taking all this so enthusiastically. “We’ve got loads more hidden away in a secret cavern down at the Devil’s Arse!”

“I meant to ask you about that! I saw it on a box earlier! Do I want to know – it sounds rather rude!?”

Ceri raised his eyebrows. “Trust you, Shy! You and your double entendre fixation! Carry On has much to answer for…” Shy looked disappointed. “I assure you – other than the name – it’s not at all rude!”

“It’s a large series of caves!” Becky cut in, beginning to relax. She was dressed all in black, Shy noted. She wore dark trousers, Converse trainers, Polo neck sweater, a fetching black beret, under which her shoulder length brown hair was tucked and a little black mask to top it off. Archetypical cat burglar, if you will! “We’ve got access down to the caverns!” she added. “This house is built right over them!”

“Did you get what you went for?” Ceri asked, helping Bex with her rucksack. “I can’t believe I forgot to ask before! All I could think about was you getting home safe! I just hate when you go out solo!”

“I know, baby!” Becky smiled and gave him a kiss for his concern, hugging his arm affectionately and finally letting her true excitement show. “Yes! I got it all! The necklace AND the silver bracelet!”

“From a bank?” Shy was nearly drooling in awe of what he’d overheard. “What did you rob, Becky?”

“Not a bank…” Becky corrected. “This was a country house near Buxton!” she replied, still seeming a tad reluctant to confide such information to a virtual stranger. “We’ve been after this one for a while!”

Ceri tried to explain. “It was stolen from one family to another back in the early 1900s! It’s the way we choose all our big steals – through research and by selecting items which are well known to have been swiped by errant house maids, bitter mistresses, conniving butlers, sons, daughters or ex-wives… Everything in the spare room or in the caves has a history – a story – and Becky or I know every one!”

Shy was almost clapping his paws together in excitement. “Wow!” he grinned. “By the furry saints, if that isn’t just so darn romantic! How perfect! I’m so proud of you both – using your degrees to such good effect! It’s more than can be said for a lot of us! I love it – I really do! Stealing treasures that have already been stolen and are probably long forgotten too… Is it all out on display somewhere? Do you plan to keep it or sell it on? Melt it down? Put it back even? I’m joking with that last one, mind!”

“We do plan to display it when the store in the caves is completely finished.” Ceri replied. “But it all takes time – we’re neither of us that hot on DIY and it’s taken an age to reopen the passages to the cave as it is! This was a Highwayman’s cottage back in the 1600s, so we’re reviving an old tradition!” he added proudly – now totally full of himself and feeling liberated that he was finally able to discuss his secret hobby with Shy. “I wasn’t sure how you’d take all this, boy – I badly underestimated you!”

“No problem!” Shy reassured him. “To be honest the old me might have rather backed off from it all – and I mean backed off screaming and waving his paws about in panic! I dealt with crooks all day long in the entertainment business and when I worked with Simon Yeti I saw them all the time! But you and Becky are different - just plain, old fashioned anti-heroes – Robin Hood with Library cards!”

“Something like that…” acknowledged Becky finally allowing herself a grin. “You should have seen the trouble caused in Central Library… That was classic… We used our own staff as distractions…”

“Well that makes sense! So, can I see some more of your collection?” asked Shy as they ushered him into the room where he was supposed to have been staying. “I have a plan!” he added. “Something you could steal… Do you need a third person – I want to be your sidekick… What do you reckon?”

For Becky this was taking things that little bit too far. “OH! NO WAY!” she exclaimed and that earlier look of distrust and suspicion had returned. “No way! Ceri, you tell him! There’s no way he’s coming with us on a stake out! Look at him! He’s 7 foot tall and hairy! How’s he supposed to blend in? He’d get his fur caught in the roof-tiles or stuck down a chimney!! We’d be a laughing stock within days!!”

Ceri seemed unsure what to say or whom to speak up for; torn between Becky’s realism and Shy’s sheer excitement for the whole project. “Look Shy! I dunno if this is such a good idea…”

“YOU’RE NUTS!! NUTS!! JUST TELL HIM OUTRIGHT!” Becky insisted – but Ceri was wavering.

“Calm down, hon! I’m just trying to explain!” he turned to Shy. “I don’t know if you’ve got the know how to help us! It’s a technical business this crime stuff… Perhaps you can help out!? Do you drive?”

Shy looked unsure. “I can cycle…” he volunteered a tad reluctantly.
“Right – well maybe you could be the Get-away driver – cyclist – I dunno… Perhaps? I’m sure we could find someway in which you could be useful – even if it was just as a lookout – in disguise!?!”

Shy tried not to look too upset. “Listen people…” he said. “I really don’t want to cause an argument here – but I’d like to reassure you that I do have a few tricks hidden up my furry sleeve that could well be of use! I have Yeti talents that I’d be happy to demonstrate which I think might surprise you…”

“He only wants to help out, Becky… Surely we can, at least, listen to him – and to be honest what could we have done if he had decided to go to the Police? He’s been more than good about all this!”

“I pretty sure she’d have shaved off all my fur and suffocated me with it? You can never tell with girls when they get power - it goes to their heads! The female of the species is more deadly than the Yeti!” he said and then added. “She’d never have done it though – I’m told I have a very hypnotic gaze!”

“PLEASE SHY!! SHUT IT!!” Ceri insisted, Becky looked just about cross enough to physically attack the Yeti, like some mother cat protecting her kittens and even Shy wasn’t sure he hadn’t pushed it too far this time and fear he’d end up with badly ruffled fur at the bottom of the stairs. Shy had grown up fearing strong women like Becky - his Great Auntie Joyce had been another good example, which we may return to at some stage. He’d had a rather odd upbringing as far a girls were concerned. Boy yetis tended not to mix with them, to be honest. Most males went into acting, singing or interpretive dance whilst like in the real world, the girl yetis basically did anything and everything of any importance.

“I’m not happy with this – you know I’m not…” sighed Becky at last. “But if he can prove himself, then maybe I’ll rethink. I have a nasty feeling that if we don’t listen, then he’ll go and rob something just to prove that he can and end up in right sticky mess, which we’ll only have to bale him out of anyway! Hopefully the novelty will soon wear off – or else I might well dig out my fur clippers…”

Shy looked as if he was about to say, “Told you so…” when Ceri gave him a very severe look indeed and Shy decided it best to nod in almost total agreement. “You know… Becky’s right…” he agreed. “I probably would try and do something stupid and end up making a complete tit of myself…”

Ceri looked up in the direction of the ceiling. “Looks like we’ve got ourselves a sidekick then! I’d say there won’t be any problem joining us as long as you can prove you’ve got the basic skills required!”

“Amazing!” grinned Shy and this time he did clap his paws. “I’m going to surprise you! I’m quite multi-talented, donchaknow! You just see! These new Yeti powers of mine will blow you away…”

*
To be perfectly honest, Shy soon became a little bit carried away by his mission to impress. In some ways you might say that what Shy did that day in Castleton was worse than anything Ceri and Becky had previously achieved. I mean, a little bit of good, old fashioned thievery is part of what once made this country great! After all, what would America or Australia have been today had we not nicked it off the locals!? Maybe, not the best ever example, I grant you! But as they had both feared Shy really decided to go and push the boat out when it came to showing off his potential value that evening.

“Follow me!” he declared confidently as he led his friends down the High Street. It was beginning to look like rain and there were a few tourists out with brollies. “Might I borrow that? May I? Thank you – cheerio!!” Ceri and Becky stared on incredulously as Shy shambled along the pavement – quite blatantly plucking umbrellas from apparently willing donors, with nothing more than a smile or a grin.

“What the hell is he doing?” exclaimed Becky. “Why are they letting him just do that…”

“Umm – not sure, Bex – all part of the plan I suppose… Nobody seems to be protesting, at all…”

“Umbrella?” Shy was handing them out and so Ceri and Becky took them as the rain had started to fall much harder, by now. “Anyone fancy a take away?” Shy giggled and without waiting for an answer strode into the nearest fish and chip shop. “Once, twice, three times a large cod and chips, please!”
Ceri and Bex watched as their furry friend practically helped himself to the food and yet the fish and chip lady pretty much let him do so. Not a penny was handed over and there he was again – back on the pavement with their dinners. “Apparently they’re free – to me… I have nice eyes, I’m told!”

“He’s using some sort of influence!” Bex had caught on now. “I knew he was telepathic – but THIS!!”

Ceri looked apologetic. “He wasn’t like that before – he wasn’t like this in University for that matter! Not at all! I think he’s been over-stretching his Yeti powers or something – he mentioned concussion!”

“Not insanity?” queried Becky glibly. “Did he forget to mention that bit! Sorry – am I being mean?”

But Ceri did not reply as Shy was back and as hyperactive as ever. “I fancy a pint!!” he declared as he popped a battered sausage into Ceri’s ear and hesitated to stick another up Becky’s nose. Thinking better of it he handed it to her instead. “Stolen goods – I’m afraid!” But you should know all about that by now! To the pub, then!” Ceri was about to ask him to stop, but Shy was in a world of his own – standing in the middle of the road, he’d already flagged down a Postal van which was passing through to collect the last post of the day. “Hop in the back why don’t you?” Shy hollered and gave a large Yeti grin that showed off his strong teeth. “This good man has kindly offered us a lift to the pub!”

The Postie didn’t seem to mind as they all jumped in. “That’ll be the Yeti hypnosis though!” muttered Becky. “We’d better be careful, honey… What if he tries that on us! He could make us his slaves…”

Ceri shot Shy a worried look. “I’d never dare!” Shy assured them. “Careful!” he added as Bex almost sat upon a parcel marked FRAGILE. The Post van shot off down the road and they all ended up in a pile. “Careful, fella! You really must consider us the most valuable cargo you’ve ever carried!”

“Sorry!!” came the reply, as he applied the brakes again and they all fell over into a pile once more.

“Ohhh!” exclaimed Shy excitedly. “We’re here! The Pub!! All out, please!” beginning to get a little tired by now, they still did as they were told and piled out onto the street outside “THE CURIOUS BEAGLE”. Shy waved on the Postie, french kissed two furry builders and then disappeared inside.

“I’m really sorry!” Ceri apologized to the men. “You were hypnotized! Please don’t punch him or us!”

One of the builders grinned and looked dazed. “He’s a good kisser!” he replied. “I wasn’t hypnotized! I don’t hypnotise, me – can’t speak for my mate here but as far as I know he prefers a real man, too!”

“Oh, okay! Thanks then – bye!” Feeling quite befuddled, Becky and Ceri entered the pub, expecting some all out orgy or smooching contest to have ensued. But instead they were met by total silence.

“Come in – come in…” Shy encouraged. The whole pub sat silent. Nobody moved. “Barman…” he bellowed rudely. “Would you bring us that pint you’re drinking – and your plate eat our fish and chips here on your premises! Hurry along now!” Ceri and Becky stood back and admired Shy’s amazing mind control – as the usually moody landlord did as he was told without even a word of protest.

“Thanks, Geoff…” said Becky, helping herself hungrily – having not eaten since the robbery.

“So am I in then?” asked Shy as he unwrapped his paper parcel. Standing up he walked from silent table to silent table – sipping a bit from one pint, chugging down a half glass of this or that – turning one man’s hat back to front and removing a tasty looking steak and kidney pie from a ladies plate to the sad looking dog who sat alone in the corner. “Never fear!” he added. “I do have some conscience! I’ll errr – buy everyone a round! Not that I have a great deal of dosh, but I’ll have a word with Geoff!”

“Sounds good to me!” muttered one man – it was one of the builders that he’d snogged just recently.

Shy smiled, but then continued. “Come on – the hypnosis is wearing off now - but you have to admit it, I could be useful! I can show you a nice trinket to steal if you take me along! So, am I in? Just the once! I’ll grow bored of the novelty – I’ll let you get back to your routine in peace. Please, guys…” The whole pub waited in silence for the answer. Well, strictly speaking it didn’t because they were mostly all hypnotized, but it sounds more impressive and dramatic if you can picture it. “Guys?!?”

“You’re in, if Becky says you’re in…” replied Ceri. “Bex? You have the final say…”

Silence. All eyes turned to Becky. Then. “Okay…” she sighed. “You’re in – just this once…”

“Cool banana!” grinned Shy. “Now, that is good news! Smashing… Geoff’s round then! Geoff!?”

Almost as he finished speaking the Pub flicked back into life again. Becky closed her eyes as she chewed another mouthful of fish. “I do hope we won’t both be regretting this in a couple of days…” she whispered to Ceri, who tried to look positive. “Shy Yeti…” she exclaimed. “Shy Yeti, my foot…”

FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WEEK IN PART 3 OF SHY YETI AND THE TALE OF THE DIAMOND STUDDED PIE!!!

PART 3 WILL BE POSTED UP ON FRIDAY 18TH NOVEMBER...

THE TALE OF THE DIAMOND STUDDED PIE - PART 1

The Library World had seen nothing like this before... THIS – was quite definitely – a first!!!!!

All this happened well over six months ago, at time of writing – in late 2004. This was a while before the events of our previous adventures in Tenby and some time before a casserole attempted to destroy Brixton back in May. This rebellious incident didn't happen in Wales, nor London - but in the West Midlands. In Birmingham Central Library to be exact. At this particular time a high profile local history exhibition, aligned with the local museum was being held in the library and all sorts of old records, photos and artifacts had been brought together under one roof. Although things were much busier than normal, everything had gone fine until the day that a big group of middle aged tourists from Leicester had arrived. Having had a rather heavy liquid lunch they were rather more rowdy than most visitors to the exhibition. The effect of several jugs of wine, spirits, bottles of beer and liquor coffees was beginning to kick in and they were quite boisterous and loud as they circulated...

Now the main problem was that as well as the extra traffic caused by the exhibition, there were also many students there interested in the local history sources available. The signs on the wall clearly indicated that hush was expected here, but not everyone took notice. One of the cabinets boasted "The Mysteries of Sutton Park" and claimed to contain curious items of a potentially alien origin. Now this wasn’t as unlikely as you might think for The Park itself, near Sutton Coldfield, is probably the most ancient and mystical places in the Midlands. It is also home to all sorts of old-wives tales, folk legends and sightings of peculiar creatures who lurk in bushes or pop out of lakes. The cabinets were also supposed to contain dinosaur fossils, evidence of bizarre web-footed beasties, drawings of a ducking stool and details of an area used in Witch Trials as recently as 1982. There were also meteorite remains, not to mention items believed to have belonged to a family of Medieval cannibals, lead by a mysterious man known only as Dr Fellows. This display also included a solid gold chalice found at the site of reported human sacrifices in Aldridge shopping centre in the scorching summer of 1976…

Anyway - the Reference area was right by these displays and during the day I describe this coach party had swarmed through the hall and begun talking very loudly just exactly where they weren’t supposed to. “Shhhhh, please...” warned the Librarian in charge, a Mrs Suki Trendlebee who had worked in the Library for nearly 107 years by this point. (Or so she often claimed!) “This is a study area...” declared Suki, refusing to be defeated by the chattering huddle. This wasn't even a gang of teenagers but mature adults in macks and sensible shoes. “Excuse me!” she repeated. “We need you to be a quieter, please!” Suki persisted when they still all ignored her. “WILL YOU BE QUIET!? Can't you understand me? Are you demented? Do I need to get a translator? NOW, SHUT UP!!” she almost screamed at them.

Yet, this did no good and no one took any notice whatsoever. The visitors totally ignored her shhing.
Well, at least for a moment they did, slowly they all turned to face her. They each met her gaze with a gesture known to but a few – not by blowing raspberries, nor with fits of giggles… Instead they raised their index fingers to their lips and gave a large, loud “SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

“Goodness!” gasped Suki, as she realised what had been niggling her all this time. The shoes, the hair, the pastel colours, the bookish ladyfolk and conservative, tweedy gentlemen. “You're LIBRARIANS!”

“SHHH! SHHHH! SHHHHH! SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” they replied and merely by the powerful yet professional tone of their shush they confirmed that they were indeed, all professional librarians.

“Why! I'll be damned!” cried Suki furiously. “Whatever is wrong with you? Whatever do you think you're doing? Are you drunk?” They were, of course. “Oh my! You should all know better than this...”

“SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” The group were getting out of control but their team leaders who had encouraged them to over imbibe were nowhere to be found.

“I shall call security!” declared Suki, but soon wished she hadn't, for with a shhhh-ing roar the mob began to hurry towards her, knocking over chairs, tables and any number of quietly reading students. The shhhhh-ing rose and the whole room was full of angry, drunken information workers - who after years of keeping their voices down were finally realising how irritating it was to be shhhh-ed.

“THE BOOKWORMS HAVE TURNED!!” reported one newspaper the following day.

“THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHY!” read another, nonsensically.

“LIBRARIANS IN SORDID ORGY WITH RELICS!” lied a third, trying to spice things up a bit.

But in all the fuss - it probably took a good day and half to put everything back in it's place - and it was only then that the papers got their real headline of any true value;


SUTTON PARK GOLDEN CHALICE STOLEN DURING RIOT...

Thieves took advantage of the peculiar state of affairs in Birmingham Central Library recently, when visiting Librarians caused a riot. What was not immediately realised was that several items of value on display were stolen at this time, most notably the irreplaceable Sutton Park Chalice, on loan from the local museum. Police have been unable to identify the criminals, despite the presence of security cameras. “None of the librarians arrested after the riot had stolen the item - because they were all searched and made to wear embarrassing Police issue fancy dress during their time behind bars!” declared local Detective Inspector Edward Alexander. "We're baffled as to who was responsible for this heinous crime - but we intend to get our man, woman - or librarian within the next 48 hours!”

But they hadn't... In fact months after, on a train bound North, Shy Yeti had been reading a rather more in depth Sunday Gazette article on the matter, written after the leading officer on the case had been sacked for corruption. It was quite a story all in all and amusing to Shy in many ways. Back in his University days, Shy had studied the ancient art of librarianship, but on qualifying found that, mostly, Yeti’s never read books - before taking on his job with the actor, Simon Yeti. To be honest, it was as much the mention of Sutton Park that had caught his eye. Shy was aware of the Park's reputation - though only vaguely - but it had certainly caused him to read on...

“Ugly looking thing...” he muttered, referring either to the lady pushing the trolley of refreshments, a picture of the chalice or maybe both. “Candy, Candy, Candy – I can’t let you go…” he sung under his breath as he continued to read, whilst devouring a whole packet of Midget Gems in less than a minute, before moving on to a bumper pack of Topics, a box of Fruit Pastilles and some jelly snakes.

Shy was finding his journey a little dull and drawn out, en route, as he was, to the town of Matlock in the Peak District, where he was due to catch a taxi to his final destination. Having completed his mission in Tenby a few days before and having lost his sidekick, Baz Timbearcub, to the Welsh tourist trade – he’d decided to pay a visit on an old friend, Ceri Lane. Life on the road was fun enough, but he’d pretty soon forgotten the travellers life and gone and “Yeti-magicked” his train tickets. Ceri and Shy had met in Library school and had enjoyed a common interest in music and films. They’d drifted for a while whilst Ceri had single handedly attempted to revolutionalise the National Health Service for a bet, only to eventually admit defeat whereupon he’d gotten back in touch. It had been a strange few years – but now Ceri was enjoying being back at work and had recently begun dating a lovely lady named Becky, whom Shy greatly approved of, but had, so far, met just once. “You’ve not seen them in months…” he reassured himself. “They’ll be really pleased to see you – even unannounced!”

Originally, Shy had planned on turning up on the door of their beloved thatched home in Castleton to surprise them with a friendly “BOOOO!” The couple had bought the place recently, after a sudden windfall, leaving Leicester for a more peaceful way of life that seemed to suit them both very well.

“They’ll be really pleased to see me…” he told himself again, having already detected that his two friends were most likely off work on a few days leave. “There’s a definite off work vibe I’m getting!” Shy said aloud, having arrived at the Station and taken a taxi to visit a rather special chocolate shop in Matlock Bath. The chocolate was fantastic and he regularly ordered himself treats from their website. This was the first personal visit he’d made. “Perfect! Perfect!” he smiled on seeing his order proudly presented on the counter. “You’ve done a fine job…” They’d made him a Teddy Bears Picnic scene out of dark chocolate – with the central figure being that of his friend and mentor, time travelling former actor, Simon Yeti. “Marvellous – when I eat chocolate I like to think of Simon!” he explained.

Having picked up his chocolate, he spoilt himself further with a tasty cone of mandarin and squid ice cream, a bottle of fizzy pop and a quick game of shovehalfpenny, before jumping back into his taxi and heading on to Castleton. There was still another half an hour’s journey and having armed himself with luxury truffles and a bag of rhubarb and custard sweets especially for Becky, he settled back to read his favourite journal. Back in the days when he’d had a house, a life and a proper job he’d kept a large collection of magazines from all over the world – including the very first issue of the Spanish language digest “Los Osos Pegajosos” dating back to 1935, and probably worth a small fortune now. But all that had been lost to the “Great Wastepaper Basket In The Sky” when he’d been evicted.

Any scenic views were wasted on Shy as he lost himself deeply in something fluffy and enticing – but in the back of his mind he was still reassuring himself. “They’ll be really pleased to see you – honest”

“We’re here, mate…” called the taxi driver, pulling up in front of The George pub in Castleton and Shy hurriedly packed away his reading and made haste to prepare his entrance into village life.

“Thanks, fella!” Shy smiled and handed him the fare, hoping the driver wouldn’t notice that the tip was rather less than generous. The money Baz had paid him from Government expenses for all his help in Tenby hadn’t gone very far at all. “Bye now – and thank you!” he called again and waved.

Watching the taxi pull away he grabbed a handful of roadside wild flowers and headed for the cottage his Yeti intuition told him was the one where Ceri and Becky were currently residing. “Oi! Wrong house!” said a voice from the opposite side of the road. “So much for telepathy!” It was Ceri – looking fit and well, his red hair grown long, wearing a blue Kasabian t-shirt and a pair of baggy khaki shorts.

“Oh, sorry fella!” Shy apologised. “Didn’t mean to be a pain and I know we usually make plans in advance, but I was passing! I meant to phone – I hope my telepathy didn’t give you a headache, fella? It can be a tad brutal if you’re not used to it – I always forget when I try it out on non-Yeti’s…”

“You never used to be much up on what Yeti’s did and didn’t do!” said Ceri a tad coolly, as he helped Shy with his bags. “Why the change now? I mean you’ve always been the most un-Yetiest Yeti I ever knew… I know you’re the only Yeti I’ve ever met, but that’s not the point! What are you staring at?”

Shy was admiring his friend’s hair as Ceri led him up the pathway of “Mandrel Cottage”. “You’ve grown your fur long! I only just noticed. It really suits you!” Ceri laughed – but seemed flattered. “So, how’s Becky? Is she about? Listen, if this is inconvenient, then I’ll find myself a hotel! It’s just that there’s been a lot going on and I suppose I was hoping you could spare a friendly ear or two!”

Ceri seemed concerned, not cross. “Perhaps unexpected – but never unwelcome!” he said kindly. “We don’t have much planned for the next few days – just to relax!” he laughed as he saw the chocolate bag. “You appear to have brought the required gift for a stay in this household – so I reckon Becky’s going to be more than happy to see you!” By now they were on the door step. “Come on then…” he encouraged. “So, what’s the gossip? Should I be sitting down for this? What miracle are you about to perform? Don’t tell me – they want you to write the script for a Yeti biopic of Tony Hancock? You’ve finally found those missing episodes of Dr Who? You’re getting married – twice - to twin sisters…”

Shy grinned. “Now that would be a miracle!” he laughed. “Although my clairvoyant friend Fatima tells me I’m in for a rosey future with my love life, soon – so you never know! I’ve learned to expect the unexpected of late!” he added – and with that they vanished inside - just in time for tea…

*

“So when’s Becky back?” Shy asked again, as they cleared away the tea things an hour or so later.

“In a bit…” explained Ceri unhelpfully, as he handed wet dishes for Shy to dry. He’d seemed rather distracted for most of the meal and had kept checking his mobile for messages. “I’m sorry – I forgot to mention she was having a meeting tonight. I was meant to be going too - but I’m glad I got out of it!”

Shy nodded. He felt full and rather sleepy – it had been a long day all in all. “This is a work do, is it? A meeting though, not a social thing? Do they really expect you to go - even when you’re on leave?”

Ceri looked at him blankly. “What?” he seemed flustered and quite distracted.

“You were saying it was to do with work, this meeting… Isn’t it a bit harsh to expect you to attend when you’re on holiday? What if you’d been out of the country? It doesn’t really seem fair to me!”

Ceri looked a bit more with it all of a sudden. “Sorry Shy! Yes, it’s a work committee meeting thing… Becky didn’t have to go, she was doing a favour for a friend who’s usually the Chairman and has had to go into hospital… Listen… Sorry, I’m not with it today and I’m waiting for Bex to call actually – bit worried about her car at the moment… Do you want to go and settle in – take a bath or a shower or something whilst I call her? Then, if you’re in the mood we can watch a film together… Take the guest room at the front – not the box room or you’ll get the morning light waking you up, tomorrow!”

It sounded good to Shy and he agreed. “Okay fella. No problem. You sure you’re feeling ok, though?”

“I’ll be fine – fine… Take your time!” Shy headed upstairs, still feeling guilty incase his telepathy had caused Ceri to feel unwell. He’d only brought with him a few clothes that he’d bought in Tenby – but it was enough to require an empty drawer for socks and t-shirts. He’d not been concentrating when he’d bustled into the room to unpack and had quite forgotten what Ceri had said about which bedroom to take. It soon became evident that he had probably chosen the wrong one and that this was, infact the Box room. It was certainly cluttered with all sorts of bits and bobs – but Shy didn’t want to cause any fuss. Shy was about to check, when he heard Ceri’s voice on the phone to someone he presumed to be Becky. “I’ll see you soon! We’ll have to move some stuff tonight, I think – especially now he’s here! Don’t worry – I’ll sort it out! No, he’s ok – in the bath! I’ve put him in the spare room. It’ll be fine…”

Shy had forgotten about the shower, so hurried into the bathroom to start running the water. By the time he returned to the room to fetch a towel, all had gone quiet downstairs. “You’ve SO come at the wrong time, Shy!” he told himself. “They’re busy but too polite to say so! What were you thinking, just turning up like that. You’re going to have to move on, tomorrow! Find somewhere else to go…”

As he muttered away to himself and in search of his sponge, Shy absentmindedly opened the wrong cupboard and a box of newspapers fell out at him and scattered itself across the floor. Something else, which had been perched on top of the box also clattered to the floor and rolled under the bed. The box wasn’t broken but rather bizarrely had the words “THE DEVIL’S ARSE” scrawled on the lid in marker pen. Hurriedly, Shy began collecting up the newspapers; cuttings that seemed to concern various crime cases in both the UK and Europe in the past year or so. It was only when he reached under the bed that both his paws and his eyes rested on what he’d found and he begun to realise that something was odd.

“Oi Yeti!” Shy turned guiltily to find Ceri standing in the doorway. “I said the Spare room - not the box room! I should have known better – you always were hopeless remembering stuff!” Shy blushed. “I didn’t really want you coming in here – but it’s rather too late now! Do you recognise what it is you’ve found?” he asked, indicating the trinket that the Yeti had so recently retrieved from the floor.

Shy gulped, wondering if he could somehow make a quick exit out of the window. “I saw it in a newspaper this morning, as it happens…” he confirmed, “It’s much shinier in real life, isn’t it…”

Ceri took it from him and held it to the light. “Yes, it is rather…” he agreed. “This is the Chalice of Sutton Park. We stole it from Birmingham Central Library a while back… It’s part of our collection!”

“Going somewhere Shy?” a sudden voice in his ear made the Yeti jump, in the process of edging towards the window. It was Becky, of course and she was blocking the way out, perched on the window sill two floors up. “How are you?”she grinned. “Seems you’ve just learnt our guilty secret…”

Ceri nodded reluctantly. “Which means we’re going to need to have a really serious conversation about a number of things!” he sounded deadly serious. “This changes things, mate! You understand?”

Shy did – he had walked headfirst into trouble this time. But, just how was he going to get out of it?

WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT? HOW WILL SHY COPE WITH FINDING OUT THAT HIS FRIEND'S ARE INFACT BIG TIME CRIMINALS??? HOW WILL THEY DEAL WITH HIM... *GULP!*

NEXT WEEK'S EPISODE WILL HOPEFULLY BE AVAILABLE THE SAME TIME NEXT WEEK - ALTHOUGH I'M OFF TO AMSTERDAM FOR MY BIRTHDAY SO IT'LL EITHER BE UP ON THE 9TH OR THE 14TH NOVEMBER!!!! ENJOY!!