THE TALE OF THE DIAMOND STUDDED PIE - PART 6

Shy thought quickly – there was only one thing for it…

Taking a very large breath Shy opened his mouth and gulped. With an almighty PLOP he swallowed the Diamond Studded Pie. “You may have blown up my friends…” he remarked crisply. “But you won’t blow up this Motherfurking Yeti!” Just to be sure Shy removed all the other pielets from his ears, head, arm pits and various other furry orifices – the fake and the genuine and he swallowed those too. Ed Alexander watched agog. “What do you think of that, buggerlugs?” he grinned triumphantly.

“You’ll still be blown up…” said Ed, beginning to back off. “All you’ve done is muffled the blow – which is good for me – but won’t stop your insides being spread to the high heavens…”

Shy smiled again. “I don’t think so, you know… My stomach is pretty impressive – it’d take a lot more than a few little bombs to blow something as tough as that up…” he gave a sudden loud belch. “Ohh… Nasty… One of the smaller pielets I think… Acidy – but I’m ok - still standing I think you’ll find…” he burped again. “Oh! Unpleasant – yet inevitable…” A pause. Another burp and another.

“Keep them coming…” sighed Shy. “I’m sorry…” he paused. “How greedy of me – I should have shared… Maybe you’d like a pielet…” he took one last pielet from his fur. “Maybe you’d like a quick snack?” Shy took a step towards Ed. “Well? It’d be impolite not to accept… Open wide…”

Edward backed off – but walked straight into the wall – there was nowhere else to run…

Meanwhile, back downstairs Kim was trying to find a way out. The Pavilion was full of Police by now – but she hadn’t made her presence known. She’d lost track of where Ed was and was keen not to run into any of the Police gangs armed with tear gas. So far, they’d only managed to round up Hunt and the other security guards – though she knew that at least one, if not more of the thieves had already left the building and had probably been blown up, somewhere in the grounds. “This reminds me of my time in the Girl Guides!” she sighed and shuddered at the thought of how awful the uniform had been.

Kim sighed and took a quick look at her reflection in a mirror – she hated having to dress like this and brushing a layer of dust off her glamorous Security outfit she quickly removed her piercings and goth wig and slipped into something more casual. She felt a lot more at home in saggy tracksuit bottoms, horn-rimmed, thick lensed glasses that seemed to almost entirely swallow her formerly attractive green eyes. Popping on her favourite strait jacket and a dowdy bobble hat concealing her dirty blonde hair beneath. She was ready to go. It was her usual weekend wear and she felt much better for having changed. Briefcase in hand she took a lighter from her pocket and in less than 30 seconds had made herself a handy Molotov cocktail, setting fire to all the curtains in the lower gallery room. Throwing another across the room it exploded against the wall and began to burn. It was diversion enough for her to get away unseen… The brief case was heavy and she really couldn’t risk getting caught…

Back upstairs on the balcony, Shy was cross that Ed wasn’t cowering more. As much as he wanted to push the pielet down the man’s throat he was in danger of them both blowing up should this last pie be one of the boobie-trapped ones – it wasn’t worth waiting to see just to get an apology. “I thought you were going to share your pielets…” Ed taunted unexpectedly. “Or have you had second thoughts?”

Shy pushed Ed to the patio and instead swallowed the pielet himself. “No second thoughts – I’m just rather selfish…” he declared and then burped – just in time as the eighth and final pielet, along with a couple of others already inside his stomach did their explosive business. “Ah – nearly done now!” he smiled, beginning to feel a little worse for wear. “I’m coping rather well!” There came two more small explosions and the second one sent him staggering backwards – over on his furry behind and then one last rumble which knocked him back upright again. Before Ed could react Shy was upon him; pinning him to the ground. “You called me Yeti earlier – you know who I am then! You know why I’m here!”

He’d expected to see some fear in his eyes, but Ed Alexander remained quite composed. “Of course! I must say I’m not quite sure why you teamed up with those other two losers, very generous, but you’re more talented than either of them! It’s a shame they’ve dragged you down to their level… I respect your historical motives, Yeti – it’s a bit like a family reunion – you almost deserve to keep them!”

Anger burnt in Shy’s eyes and for a moment he could barely speak. “You’re a slick tongued grandson of a mayor aren’t you… But I’m a useless criminal and I know it! I’ve gotten my two friends involved in all this just because I had some stupid fantasy that I wanted to be Bonnie and Clyde and now I… Well, no – to be fair – YOU have gone and killed them! You’re as much the criminal as me! Actually, no – you’re the only real criminal here – you’re pretty much a psychopath!” Ed Alexander continued to stare back at him – apparently oblivious to the large weight of Yeti resting on him. “Should I hand you over to the law, strap you to an explosive or swallow you whole and see how much you like that?”

“I’d never fit inside your stomach – not even with the size of your belly!”

“You wanna try me?” Shy’s paws were tightening around Ed’s neck. “I’m sure I could find room for you – or if I can’t then I’m sure I could take a fair few bites and then keep the rest for later!” By now, Ed’s composure was slipping a little – he had to make this sound good – the Police were close now. “YOU KILLED MY FRIENDS…” Shy said dispassionately. “NOW I KILL YOU!” With that he picked Ed up and held him above his mouth, but to Shy’s dismay Ed was still smiling and Shy thought he was going to have to try and eat the man when suddenly Ed having seen Shy’s sharp teeth in the moonlight and with one final choking laugh he passed out. “Now I know how David Banner feels…” muttered Shy. “Boy, did he make me mad – if I was the Hulk I’d be a bright shade of green by now…” Throwing Ed’s limp body over his shoulder he stared out across the gardens in search of some sign of his friends, but there was none. “I’m not finished with you…” Shy decided – intent on getting some declaration of guilt from the man before he left Brighton. Hopping over the balcony wall, he dropped clumsily from hanging basket to basket and hurried across the garden in search of Ceri and Becky.

“Where are you going…” called a voice. “If you go that way you’re bound to get arrested…”

Shy turned – hoping for a second it was Becky, but it was Kim Travers. “Don’t try and stop me leaving here!” he growled. “I’m a Yeti in a very bad mood and I’d advise you not to mess with me…”

Kim said nothing. Smoke floated across the lawn as all around them Police and Firemen ran around in total confusion. “I’m really not your enemy!” she said and Shy noticed that she looked quite different than before. “Okay – I’m sure you’re aware that I’ve worked with Ed – but I’m far from being in league with him… If you’d been listening you’d have heard me trying to offer you help outta here!”

Shy was confused. “But you were in the Pavilion, the bombs, my friends – your boss killed them!”

“I very much doubt that!” reassured Kim. “The explosives were dummies… They make a lot of noise and smoke but they don’t kill! I swapped all the real ones that Ed set up!” Shy looked disappointed and Kim had noticed. “Hey, what’s up with you – what exactly did you do with the pies you stole?”

“They’re in my stomach…” Shy replied. “I kind of thought I’d been all heroic by swallowing them…”

“The fact you thought they were real bombs and you did that makes you pretty special, Shy…” Kim replied. “Listen, at least you’re safe and haven’t got your guts scattered from one side of the garden to the other! You’ll just have to be a bit careful when you pass the Pies, sweetie! Although… Well, you’ll see… You didn’t think your stomach could withstand real explosions did you? Still – you’re pretty hardy – even dummy explosives will give you a bad case of indigestion and you seem fine, so far…” Kim paused and took a quick look at the unconscious Ed flopped out over Shy’s shoulder. “Listen, would you like to come with me? Bring the hostages – I haven’t even started with him yet!”

“My pleasure…” nodded Shy, trying not to inhale the smoke which still wafted across the gardens. “I don’t understand at all, mind! But you do seem to be the only friendly person out here tonight!”

“Pretty much!” she agreed. “Anyway, you’re not meant to understand! Just follow me furry chops!”

Kim had promised to lead him to safety and sure enough she did just that…

Sometime later, at the end of Brighton Pier – Kim having picked the lock so they could gain access – the Pier having closed some while before. Stopping only long enough for Shy to break into the Dr Who Exhibition and set up a special Yeti display they reconvened at the very end of the mile long Pier – just long enough to tie Edward Alexander upside down and to dangle him into the sea covered in fish bait. “What are you trying to catch, Kim?” asked Shy as they dunked Edward into the murky waters for another few minutes. “Shall we speak to him yet, Miss Travers or leave him awhile?”

“Leave him awhile…” replied Kim. “You do know that my name isn’t Kim or Travers don’t you?”
“Well no… I hadn’t thought much about it – I hardly know you – we only seem to have been joined in a common goal rather unexpectedly this evening… What is your name then?”

“I couldn’t possibly say…” replied Kim cryptically. “If I told you I’d have to kill myself…”

“Oh… Right… Interested twist there…” nodded Shy earnestly. “So… What now… Are we dipping Alexander into the sea to make him beg our forgiveness – so he won’t turn us into the Police…”

“No dear!” smiled Kim. “He wouldn’t dare – we’re only doing this for a bit of fun because he deserves it… Believe me - he deserves it… He’s pissed off a fair few people over the years… Just think of me as one of those nutjobs that escapes from an asylum to seek to avenge his crimes! I also have a total crush on furry ex librarian Yeti’s – though I know I have no chance with you whatsoever!”

“Oh right… Okay… Well, I’m very flattered…” Shy replied, still trying to catch up with all this new information. It had been a long night. “I presume you’re referring to something other than his antics tonight…” Kim nodded. “…but you couldn’t possibly tell me because you’d have to kill yourself…”

“No… I’d have to kill my family…” she explained, cosying up to a rather perplexed looking Shy. “Golly Yeti – you’re so nice and warm – I wish I could keep you as a pet…” She took off her bobble hat for a second and ruffled her dusty blonde hair against his fur. “Or maybe I could be your pet?”

“Oh well!” Shy paused and looked embarrassed. “I do sometimes take on people as sidekicks, but in your case you seem to have your own plans and missions – you’re very independent and it suits you!” he added, just to make sure she knew he respected her. “By the way, may I just say how good you were earlier – at picking the lock and changing the explosives and… I won’t even ask what you’ve got in that brief case or you’ll just have to go and kill all your pets or the postman or something…”

Kim grinned and flipped open the case. “Nah… Quite happy to show you what I’ve got… It’s actually for you…” Inside the brief case was The Diamond Studded Pies and the eight pielets. “I’ve been keeping them safe for you… Don’t worry – I’ve taken a few trinkets for myself…”

“These are the REAL Pies?” Shy asked – dumbstruck. “But what about the ones of display? Fakes?” she nodded. “But… That means I was about to replace fake pies with more fake pies and – I could have just thrown them all over the balcony rather than swallowing them to make sure I still had them!”

“Yeah, pretty much – but you weren’t to know that were you?” It was a fair point. “There’s something else in the case for you… All the surveillance tapes from the extra cameras that Eddie had set up… I don’t suppose any of you knew about those – but they were there… Anyway – they don’t exist any more so you needn’t worry… Just don’t tell anyone about the fire I started! There was some evidence of my own involvement I needed to get rid of too – so it’s not just me being all kind hearted!”

By now Shy was feeling quite taken aback and all he could say was. “Shall I check on Alexander? Make sure he’s not escaped?” Kim smiled and nodded and so with all his might he pulled the rather damp and unhappy looking (but now conscious) ex-detective up from where he’d hung, some few inches above the water below. “How’s he looking?” Shy asked Kim. “Has he learnt his lesson?”

“Unfortunately, I rather doubt it…” sighed Kim. “I think you’d better leave me too it, Shy… I’ve got some scores to settle and a few words I need to say to him in private…”

Eddie Alexander was looking panicked now. “No! No – please don’t leave me! I don’t deserve this! She’s insane… She’ll kill me, do you hear Shy… She’ll murder me in c,c,cold b,b,blood…”

“Will you really?” Shy turned to Kim – but Kim wasn’t giving anything away. “I’m sorry Ed – but if it hadn’t have been for Kim then both my friends and my stomach would have been blown away by your explosives!” Ed didn’t realise what he meant at first – and it occurred to Shy that he still thought he’d killed them and that Shy had actually swallowed the real explosives. “It was a lucky escape we had there – thanks to Kim! Who am I to deny her, her pleasures? I can’t dictate to this young lady what she does and doesn’t do and quite frankly I have no interest nor incentive to try and free you from your bonds… I’m heading off now to find my friends and I’ll leave Kim to do whatever she has to…”

“No! NOOOO!” Edward was obviously very distraught – but Shy was finding the sound of his voice extremely irritating. He tore a strip off his jacket and quickly tied it around Edward Alexander’s mouth. “They we go… A handy and stylish gag to keep him quiet whilst you lecture him, Kim…”

Kim smiled and broad and generous grin. “Thank you so much, Shy… It’s been most pleasant meeting you – I do hope we bump into each other in less challenging an environment next time…”

“Me too…” Shy replied and shook her hand warmly. “Have fun with Mr Alexander… Dunk him under just once or twice more for me, won’t you… Long dunks, mind… At least a minute each!”

“Oh I shall…” nodded Kim and trifle too enthusiastically and Shy took this as a good point to make his departure. He was beginning to think that Kim really was as insane as her strait jacket implied. “Take care furry man…” she called as he took the brief case that she’d brought for him and began to make his way back down the pier to the beach. “Good luck with passing those pies…”

“I’ll need it…” Shy muttered to himself, already beginning to feel a little uncomfortable and silly for having swallowed all the fake pies – giving Kim a parting way as he headed on his way.

Having bid farewell to Kim, he found himself a 24 hour café to sit in and watched as things calmed down around the Pavilions. The fire seemed to be out and the Police passed him by in the street at least twice on his way to an early morning chemist and never stopped to even ask for his autograph. Having chewed on a rather large Rennie for a couple of hours and having finally got all the fake Diamond Pies out of his system it was with rather less surprise than they expected that he found both Ceri and Becky looking very weary and slightly dishevelled, sitting on the stones by the West Pier at just after dawn that day. “You’re alive then… Thank Furs for that!” was all he could think of to say.

“We’re doing okay…” grinned Becky. “Got caught in the blast and covered in earth – but nothing that won’t come out in the wash… Glad to see you got out okay – we didn’t know what to do…”

“Cheers! I was a bit worried for all of us for a while there – but you did the right thing!” Shy admitted and explained how he’d witnessed the explosions and only just managed to get out of the building.

“They weren’t real bombs – probably dummies I reckon…” explained Ceri and Shy nodded. He didn’t bother to tell them much of Kim’s story in the end. He told them how he’d swallowed the pies and confronted Alexander – pointed out where Eddie was now safely secured from the bungy rope but said nothing about it being Kim’s idea. “So you’ve got the pies?” asked Ceri. “That’s marvellous…”

Shy could have been gloaty about it, but knowing that Kim had a been a large part of his success what with the cameras being fixed and Ed being dangled he didn’t want to overdo his part in the victory – if you could call it that. Something about the whole evening still felt a bit of a shambles. “Shall we just sit here and watch Ed Alexander bounce up and down from the rope until the Police arrest him?” he suggested. Then go for some breakfast?” Becky was still uncertain about whether the ex-copper had any evidence on them. “Don’t worry!” Shy explained. “I had a word with him - I’m pretty certain he won’t say anything… There’s no proof we were ever at the Pavilion – I errr – I made sure of it… We pretty much got all we came for – well I did and if you want you can take the pielets for your display!”

“You don’t want them after all that!?” exclaimed Becky indignantly.

“Not really… I did think about giving them to my fortune telling friend Fatima the Fantabulous, she’s the nearest I have to family these days – but on the other hand I’d be just as happy if you had them…”

Shy knew full well that Ceri and Becky weren’t exactly going to be raring to invite him back for another case so he decided to step in and end any possible uncertainty. “I must say…” he continued. “It’s been good fun all this – one way or another – but I don’t think I’d want to do it again…”

Shy noticed that Becky visibly brightened on hearing that, but wasn’t offended. Having left the beach, they had managed to shower and change in local facilities and were eating brunch at the Regency tearooms. “You’ll be missed – but it’s nice we can discuss stuff with you now…” she smiled. “I we must definitely arrange for you to come and see the Cave display once the shelves are up…”

“I’d like that…” nodded Shy affectionately. “I like your t-shirts by the way…” he continued, totally changing the subject as a very unsubtle way of hinting how kind he’d been at lending his dischevelled friends a spare shirt or two. Ceri grinned as he tucked into his breakfast. His was yellow with red lettering which declared “THE GOODIES” on one side and “…ANYWHERE, ANYTIME…” on the back. “It’s very you – I was going to give it to you for your birthday – but you’d better have it earlier! That said, I’d be careful who reads the bit on the back or you might get mobbed!” Shy laughed.

“Yours is very understated…” Ceri acknowledged. Shy’s t-shirt just read “SLAPPER” on one side and “STUD” on the other. “Depends on your mood I suppose…”

“Most definitely…” Shy agreed. “I like Becky’s t-shirt best – I gave it her especially... It’s from Simon’s World Tour of Swindon 1979 and quite a collectors piece – it’s from the first Yeti stage tour of Grease! I etched all the programmes out personally using the juice of 100 tins of Noodle Doodles!”

Becky smiled widely – she seemed quite attached to Shy’s gift. “On one side there was a photo of Simon Yeti in some kind of disco outfit printed on a mauve t-shirt and on the back the words “YETI – YOU’RE THE ONE THAT I WANT…” were displayed in a fetching crème lettering. “I like it very much…” she nodded. “I wish I’d seen that production – I’m sure it would have been marvellous!”

“Oh it was…” Shy smiled. “Simon was the Olivia Newton John role and Windsor Davies did the John Travolta part – inspired casting by me, even if I do say so myself…”

“Unforgettable…” agreed Ceri. “Now listen here - even though we lost most of the stuff we took from the Pavilions we do have SOME good news – something to add of our own…” he explained, reaching for a file that seemed to contain a lot of interesting documentation. “We came back to the Regency Hotel and found our way into Eddie’s room – I think you’ll find it all quite fascinating… We’ll be keeping the list of stolen material and there are invoices and letters and allsorts that seems to infer he had selling his silence to criminals in exchange for evidence of their crimes going missing or being destroyed. That and it would seem that he rather liked to buy cut price goods to give to family and loved ones at Christmas…” Shy shook his head in wonder. “There are a few corrupt people we might well be paying visits to – so that all these valuables are at least in semi-honest hands!”

“So you did hit paydirt!” grinned Shy. “I’m so glad. So – what else are you planning after this?”

Ceri wasn’t sure what to say, but Becky had a definite opinion. “We’re going to have to look into some competitors… Someone is attempting to move onto our patch – not Raffles types like us but a couple of Super villains who have been getting in the way…” Shy raised an eyebrow. “I know it sounds mad – but they are out there… These ones are rather ludicrously known as Percy – Lord of Rock and he has a sidekick who calls himself James Destiny – Hive Master… Just don’t ask!”

Shy pulled an exasperated face. “What about Super Heroes?” he said. “Surely for every Super Villain there’s a Super Hero – won’t that cause you bother? In case they decide you’re causing bother too?”

“Exactly why we’re worried…” explained Ceri reluctantly. “There are also two Super Heroes called Christanos and Mole Boy who are already in on the action… They’re getting dangerously close to our neck of the woods – it could make things difficult for all of us more old fashioned thieves…”

“Just remember…” Shy began. “That for enough money I might even be lured out of retirement to help you, should it come to that! I do have my very own special Super powers after all!” Shy paused – his powers seemed to have thankfully returned now and Shy had even managed to avoid mentioning to his friends that he’d nearly jeopardised everything by having lost them before. “Just a minute…” he said suddenly. “Didn’t you say there was something I might be interested in, in those files?”

Becky took a ring bound document from the file and handed it over. “Take a look! There are loads of references to Simon in it! Apparently one of the criminals Ed mixed with had showbiz connections and was flogging some of Simon’s old awards!” Shy nodded sadly – Shy’s accountants had ripped off his estate after his disappearance. “It also says that the dealer claimed to be selling Simon’s time travel device, with references to your mate Danbear having made bids for items listed on the catalogue as being – ahead of their time, let’s say!” Shy took the folder and flicked through it. “There’s mention of items of future technology crash landing near Oxford! You might want to take a look!”

Shy nodded. “My friend Dean lives up near there – nice fella – bit cheeky – maybe he can put me up! I should ring Joolz too!” Ceri and Becky nodded vaguely, Shy had found a group photo of himself with Danbear . “How very odd… I don’t remember this being taken…” he said. “Or who on earth took it!”

“Listen!” Ceri said, interrupting his thoughts as they finished their breakfasts. “If you need dropping off in Oxford we’ll give you a lift – are you going to call this Dean guy and see if he can put you up?”

“Just did - telepathically!” Ceri winced instinctively, Shy just grinned. “Are you sure I can’t drive?”

“No!” snapped Bex. “Really, no thanks! Not even your Super Yeti powers can make us agree to that!”

“Really?” Shy chuckled. “Fair play, though I’d never resort to that… You could do me one favour though…” Ceri looked curious, Becky slightly alarmed. “Oh, it’s perfectly safe…” he assured them. “I just wanted to keep hold of the pies for a while – I’ll give them back, but I do think it would be nice to let Fatima have them for a bit… She lost a lot of possessions in a landslide when a giant moved in next door – she thinks it was probably the actual giant from Jack and the beanstalk! Those shiny Diamond Studded Pies would be just perfect in her vegetable patch – glinting away to scare away the crows…”

“Now who’s making things up…” muttered Becky. “He’s getting his own back…”

Shy was rather indignant. “Becky – I can assure you that it’s most definitely the truth…” he assured them with a laugh – and then paused thoughtfully as they headed from the tearooms to their car. “Although isn’t it funny how everyone has a different version of what the truth really is, darlings…”

Ceri smiled. It hadn’t been such a bad adventure after all. Shy was squatting down on his haunches, admiring his appearance in the side door mirror. “Look at you…” he laughed, pleased that Shy brighter again. “You’re so vain these days, you’re getting more and more like Simon everyday…”

Shy shivered – Ceri had made a good point. “It’s almost as if he’s taken me over – like some sort of possession – ever since I hit my head!” Could it be true? Shy was quiet almost all the way to Oxford. The thought haunted him. Could it be possible? Was he somehow becoming the spitting image of his old mentor – and if so – where exactly did the future lie? He suddenly had a very nasty image of Kim Travers in her strait jacket. “That will never happen…” he assured himself. “I would rather die first…”

EPILOGUE

Ed Alexander was arrested that day for the theft of valuable from Brighton Pavilion and also charged with arson, causing malicious damage to a historical building and illegal bungy jumping off Brighton Pier. When questioned he told police stories of thieving Yetis and criminal librarians – of Goths who wore strait jackets and of love for Wonder Woman and how his mother ruled his life with her infernal budgies. “I’m very sorry…” Sighed Dr Mex Nephur – the tall and rather curiously handsome Mexican medic who’d been brought him to give a statement on his state of mind. “But none or very little of any of this makes any sense at all… There’s no sign of anyone matching his descriptions and the force said he never had a female colleague that he was working with at the time of his dismissal. I don’t know what to say really… I’m afraid he might be severely disturbed! He was found trying to write a poison pen letter to someone this morning – all it said was YOUR HISTORY, spelt wrongly – he’d chopped up today’s copy of The Daily Rag and was attempting to stick it to the page with Marmite… He was very cross when the letter was taken away – he told me his time would come… Most disturbing!””

“So would you definitely say he was mad?” asked the officer in charge. “Next you’re going to tell me that his mother’s been dead twenty years and that in fact he lives on his own…”

“Not quite…” replied Dr Nephur. “He does live with his mother – but she claims they haven’t kept Budgerigars for about fifteen years… Oh – and one other thing… The colleague he mentioned – you said her name was Kim didn’t you? Kim Travers?” The office in charge nodded. “Very interesting…” sighed Mex dubiously. “Because according to his mother, her son was a very inventive child – he used to claim he had a twin brother named Henry and what is more he had an invisible friend… You won’t believe it – but apparently the name of the invisible friend was – most intriguingly – Kim Travers…”

THIS IS THE LAST STORY TO BE POSTED IN 2005 - THE NEXT ADVENTURE WILL BE POSTED IN SPRING 2006 - SO WATCH THIS SPACE!!

HAPPY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR READERS!!!